It's the pain that keeps me alive

15

Its two weeks later...  I woke up to find myself in a bright, white room, completely barren aside from a few cupboards, a heart monitor and a bed in the middle of the room in which I am lying on. I  sat up and noticed bandages around my  arms and tubes going in and out of me.  I swear to god if this didn't work... shit, i tugged the tubes out of me, got up and walked out of the door.

I  can't see anyone, I must be  alone. I  grabbed  a bottle of vodka from the cabinet and my hidden stash of cigarettes from my room and sat on the balcony (by the helipad of the avenger's tower). After I lit the cigarette I leant back against the glass windows and watched the clouds go by. I ripped off the bandages and looked  at my scars, I took a deep breath in, I could feel tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.

A little while later I heard footsteps coming towards me, it was Bucky. He didn't acknowledge me, he just sat beside me and took a sip of vodka before moving the already practically empty bottle away from me.

"on suicide watch now are we?" I said trying to bring some humour to this whole situation. He let out a small giggle  and then returned to staring into the distance. i'm so drunk I can't trust myself around him. he's so beautiful and well perfect but also kinda intimidating. Ugh get a grip y/n. but his blue eyes... so dreamy... Y/N now is not the time.  leant my head on his shoulder and whispered in his ear.

"let's fly..."

I ran up to the helipad and started spinning and dancing. The world was mine. Bucky was smiling and glad to see I looked better but then a sudden change wiped over his face, a strong sense of concern.  He began to make his way to me slowly and with caution. I then noticed how close to the edge I was, how close to death I am. I stopped dancing and stood on the edge,  I stared down at what could be my potential fate. Nothing else mattered, it looked so glorious, a perfect second chance. The thoughts came flooding back again as I stood over the city silently watching it go by.

"Y/N! don't do this!"

"WHY?, why shouldn't I you don't know how it feels! I feel like I can't breath, fuck that I can't even feel anything anymore... it hurts Buck... It... hurts... I just want to die..."

Tears begin to flood down my face, Bucky had become nothing more than a blur. Then he broke the silence.

"actually I do know... I tried once... I got into a dark place and hydra messed with me, y/n you have to listen to me you don't want to this, I don't want you to do this please just come inside and talk to me" His words were so gentle, so soothing.

"i'm so sorry..."

"For what doll?"

"This... What i'm about to do..." I looked down preparing myself to take that one final step to end it all.

He ran over to me and held me back. I tried to fight him off but his grip was so strong and I felt so weak. I fainted in his arms from the immense pain and exhaustion; he picked me up and lay me in my bed. "there you go y/n..." He waited until I was about to fall asleep to make sure I was ok. I noticed that he was about to leave me.

"stay" I murmured almost half asleep. "stay?"

"yeah...I don't want to be alone... I don't feel safe"

"uh sure..." he sat on the arm chair in the corner of my room and turned off the lights. My heart fluttered but I quickly lost myself in sleep.