Infatuated with a God

Chapter Ninety-Five

My head ached. It was like a sharp pain in my temples that forced me to wake up. But as soon as I did, I realised the rest of my body felt dreadful too. There was a dryness in my mouth but the way my stomach ached meant I knew when I drank water, I would not hold it down. More than that I could barely remember the night before. I did recall drinking in here alone, then going downstairs to find more alcohol. The rest was either a blur or complete blackness. I groaned as I forced myself to sit up and open my eyes, internally cursing at the brightness. Knowing at the time that I would feel this shit in the morning wouldn't have changed what I did, but the consequences were still a bitch. All the stuff I'd used to cope with for months made me feel shittier than I did before now. I'd been so careful to start coping better, and whilst I still wasn't in a good place it was better than this. The overwhelming dread I felt at being rock-bottom again hit me like a truck. That was when I noticed the chair beside my bed and jumped slightly at his presence. Loki always looked beautiful; it was kind of unfair how little he had to try to be so perfect. But right now, he looked... in pain. In fact, he looked run down and exhausted. Even if I couldn't remember most of last night, I did remember before then.

Him in my room before I left for my mission, uncharacteristically open about his insecurity and worry. I told him I'd reach out but I became so lost in myself and my own feelings that I couldn't bring myself too. Then I pushed him away when he came to check on me. Instead of confiding him I resorted to sabotaging myself again. I didn't understand why I did it, nor did I feel at all in control of my actions.

"Morning." I croaked out, completely unsure what to even say to him. I dreaded to think what he thought and what else I could have done. In silence I felt his seiðr flow to me as he began to heal me. It was more than I deserved but I relaxed into it as my head got clearer and I didn't hurt so much. Before I knew it a tea was on my bed stand as well. Offering a small smile I didn't feel, I reached out for it as I thanked him. I noticed I was in the green jumper that smelt like lavender, like his hair. As I stretched, I noticed my arms stung and hid the automatic wince. Instantly, I became paranoid. I didn't know how healing worked, but from his calmness I doubted he could have found out about that. I tried to make some conversation but he stayed in silence, gaze lost in the distance. He was hurting and it killed me to know I had to be the cause. That I was hurting him. "Loki, I–"

"Go have a shower and get dressed first, ástin mín. We can talk after."

This was far scarier than his anger. His calmness and distance were far more haunting. Still, I had no room to disagree with him on this so I just did it. Went and showered before summoning a change of clothes. As the hot water glided over my skin, causing more pain in my arms, parts of the night came back to me. Dancing and enjoying the buzz, ignoring his calls for me to stop. God, all I wanted was for him to care but when he did I automatically pushed him away. Then I danced with Alex, who I hadn't even wanted to be near after he tried to kiss me again in the hotel. I really managed to fuck it all up. Likely gave hope to Alex that he really didn't need to have either. I doubted he would still be my friend after I had another conversation about it going nowhere with him. I'd dressed in some comfy sweats and wrapped my hair in a towel when I finally remembered drinking from his gauntlet. Shyly, I walked into my bedroom and noticed that the chair was gone and Loki sat on my bed. He'd changed clothes, wearing a pair of black jogging bottoms and a dark green shirt. It was surprising to see him in human clothes, yet alone somehow freshly cleaned up.

"Come." He ordered, beckoning me over. Still hesitant, I shuffled over to him and rested between his legs. With a sigh, he pulled off the towel from my head and began running his hands through my hair. We stayed like that for a while, him drying my hair with his seiðr and even fiddling with a small section after it was dried.

Eventually, he broke the silence.

"How much do you remember?" His voice was steady and lacked emotion, which heightened my anxiety more. Still, he played with my hair and made sure I was settled against him.