Infatuated with a God

Chapter Ninety-Three

TW // Self Harm

There was nothing except the alcohol and the music. My body moved freely and without care. It was liberating. How the music flowed through my skin, how my body moved without me thinking about doing it. I loved the soft buzz that filled my head. There were no worries that came from this blissful feeling. This was better. My mind wasn't trapped on the countless faces of the women and girls in that warehouse. Neither was the man I had to kill, the second in such a short space of time. I didn't think about the pain they suffered or how every mind had been filled with it. I didn't think about Loki needing to talk to me, and the knowledge that he had been leaving. Nor did I think about the pain that now radiated through my arms, or the dagger stained with blood on my bed. All that remained was a weightlessness of booze and the beat I could feel throughout my body. Part of me was aware that he was here. I felt the energy moving closer to me from across the building, aware of how his presence called to me. I wanted to fall into his arms, dance, and drink with him. I wanted to pretend like everything was okay again, tell myself we could have forever. Memories of my dream flooded back to me but it was too much. I didn't want to feel. Instead I drank, ignoring the way my body felt drawn to him.

Kaya, please come back to your apartment. We don't have to talk, but just don't run anymore. I tripped slightly as I heard him through the nothingness. His voice was so... sad, and it hurt me to hear it. But I couldn't talk. I didn't want to feel.

My eyes met him and I knew if I waited a second longer I would listen. I would listen and it would make me suffer to confront everything I kept buried down. I thought about their faces again, the pain they suffered for far too long. More alcohol. More music.

Please, Kaya. Just come back with me. Let me help. I used my magic to turn the music up, so I reached for another drink. There is no help. Nothing he or anyone else could do would help. It wouldn't stop the fact I'd killed, or that I'd gone back to the blade. Part of me noticed Alex moving closer to me. His presence didn't help. He'd questioned me about getting close to Loki again. Still, he held me as I cried on the plane back. He cared about me in a way that helped, even if I felt nothing but basic friendship for him.

Don't Kaya. Please. I really should have stopped it, but I was so far removed from my actions. I felt his hands on my hips as he turned me to him. Instantly my hands rested on his shoulders, falling onto them as if I'd expected them to be taller. Looking up at short blonde hair and blue eyes felt wrong. It caused a knot to form in my stomach, so instead I found myself turning around, leaning back into him as we moved with the music. I could ignore it this way, let my eyes drift close and picture someone else. Pretend I could be dancing with him instead.

I rested my left hand on his as it wrapped around my hip and brought my other to his neck behind me. It felt almost right in every way. The way he grinded against me thrilled me but felt off. His body was slightly too short, his hands too small, his arms too thick. The sensation felt right, but the person was wrong. Not even the amount I drank tonight prevented that emptiness from rising within me. Still I danced, even if I closed my eyes and imagined Loki by my side. I wanted his hands around me, his lips inches from my neck, his body pressed against mine. It didn't feel like a bad idea, it felt right. He belonged beside me, not anyone else. But I knew he couldn't. Not in public and soon never again. And that pit of loneliness and despair was almost all consuming. The alcohol couldn't fill it. Alex couldn't fill it. It was bottomless and all consuming. He felt it too. Amongst the fogginess of everything else I could still hear his pain. His desire to be with me too. God did I crave that. Overwhelming everything else, however, was his jealousy. At that moment I knew I'd pushed it too far. So despite how much I craved that connection with anyone at the moment, I stepped away from it. Alex tried to reach back for me but I firmly moved away from his grip, dancing for a moment more on my own.