Perrie lay in bed that night, replaying her fight with Leigh-Anne from yesterday over and over again.
Was it even a fight though? She was lying on her back as she remembered the words she had said and what Leigh had told her. Sairah . . . Jade . . . patronizing . . . For some reason, her brain kept shoving the demeaning words she had used to describe Leigh in her face. The conversation that she had had with the others after their exam was also just floating around. Was that in itself what Leigh had been talking about? Were they patronizing her when they spoke of her? No that's not what she means.
She had intended on studying for more exams but this was like . . . it was like a sickness. She usually thought of Leigh fondly all day everyday but now her thoughts were twisted. She was angry at Leigh-Anne. She wanted to hurt Leigh-Anne but she also missed Leigh-Anne and wanted Leigh back in her life. It's only been like a f*cking day. But she had let Leigh know that she was angry and had told everyone that she was no longer friends with Leigh until Leigh 'figured her shit out'. Am I being . . . cruel? Were they all being dismissive? Yeah . . . no? Yes? Nah. Yay or nay?
She remembered what Ray Ray had been saying about Leigh's actions not always going to make sense to them because she was mentally ill. But what if it's not just her being ill? She thought of the word she had used. Messed up in the brains. Was that how she felt about the girl that she loved? Long ago, back when Leigh went to Rupert's, the girl had expressed insecurity about people referring to her with such demeaning terms and yet here was Perrie, the person who had told her to stop referring to herself as that and who always let her know that how she felt was valid, calling her 'messed up in the brains'. But why? Leigh wasn't even there but Perrie's intention behind all of her rants and curses and awful language was to hurt Leigh-Anne because Leigh hurt her. Does Leigh-Anne like Jesy?
Jesy. This hurt because it was Jesy. Leigh-Anne owed her nothing. Perrie had been getting close to Leigh for so long. She loved Leigh-Anne so much but if Leigh just didn't like her then she could accept it. But Jesy. Jesy. Jesy was Perrie's ex-best friend and the reason why Leigh-Anne's mental health was as poor as it was now. And yet she ran around with her. What did it mean? Leigh said it. The rest of us patronize her. Perrie used the words 'love' and 'care' but Leigh used 'patronize'. I don't understand. She rested a hand on her forehead as tears welled up in her eyes.
Maybe she didn't want to understand because Jesy was the 'saviour' in this case. I should ask Jesy herself. The idea of that made her want to punch a wall. But maybe it might work. What did Jesy do that made Leigh-Anne feel more like a person? What do I do that makes her feel less? And Sairah was somehow part of this. And I f*cking told Jade to tell Sairah to slap her in the face. That was just cold. Did Perrie really think that that could help anything or did she just want to hit Leigh herself because of how hurt she made her feel? I'm toxic. They were all using that word with Leigh now. Toxic. Leigh-Anne is not toxic for trying something new. Jesy was the 'new'. Jesy was toxic. But she's been changing. Leigh was sick now and Leigh's thoughts didn't make sense to Perrie but Leigh-Anne wasn't completely insane like Perrie was saying. She just seems insane to me because . . . I don't understand. Was she gaslighting Leigh-Anne? I . . .
She sat up slowly with her eyes leaking. I am. They all were when they talked alone in that food place. They were all so heated and upset that . . . I tried to talk to her about it but did I even listen? Because Leigh was 'messed up in the brains' what she thought didn't matter right? No. It's not about that at all. It's about her involvement with Jesy. None of them wanted to accept what Leigh was saying because Jesy was the person Leigh went to and to them Jesy was the devil. Jesy was toxic. Jesy hurt people. Jesy said horrible things about Leigh behind her back and even to her face and I did all of that too.
