Silent Pain

Chapter - 18 - I lost her

JASON

It's been months, we have been together. We couldn't leave apart from each other. I was so fucking addicted to her. She is like a light to my darkness, and I will never let her go.

I know she is helping me with my nightmares, because it's not that painful anymore. I don't even remember because, she holds me every night. She understands me, she also is my comfort zone.

From the moment she came to my life, she changed everything. I like this new change. I don't think, I can hide it anymore from her, that I love her. I love her so much.

I'm proposing her tonight. I don't care what her answer will be, but I want her to know that she's my whole heart. I can do anything for her.

I called her and said to come home, and I sent Liam to pick her up. Before she will be there, I went to florist shop to buy flowers, she loves flowers. I plan a romantic dinner.

I gave order this evening itself. I ordered her favorite dishes. I never did this before, so I don't have any experience in this. I want to do it all by myself for her. I bought flowers and I'm currently in the hotel to pick up the order.

Fuck, I'm so nervous but I'm excited too. I want to go further on this new chapter with her. Someone taps my shoulder from behind and I turned myself, I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Hey man, are you finished? I want to give my order next", I didn't expected to see him again. I thought h-he was....No, not again. My face is covered with sweat.

"Are you okay", he asked again. I immediately run from the hotel. I don't want to see his face. I hate his cruel voice. After so many years, why is he here? Does he know about me?

No, I cannot let this happen again. I was finally forgetting him, I wanted to forget my past with him, but he showed up. My legs are shaking in fear. My heart is pounding right out of chest.

Why him? I found my way to my car. "Take me home now!!!", I said to my driver. I constantly turn back, it feels like he's following me.
"Are you okay sir", my driver asks me. I just nod at him. I couldn't even speak.

I'm feeling weak. I'm grown ass man now, but still I'm trembling in fear. He makes me feel weak. I can't believe his back again. My whole body is shaking.

I reached home. I run towards my room. I don't want anyone to see me like this. As I enter my room, I walk to bathroom. I splash cold water on my face. I see myself in mirror. I look at myself, how weak I am.

How can this happen. Seeing his face face brings all my memories back. Tears come out of my eyes. I covered up my scars, but it's still visible to me. It's like I can see all my scars. I can feel them on my body.

I rub my chest, my hands, everywhere. I want to get rid of this feeling but I can't. I'm angry. I'm angry on myself. Why is this happening to me again? Why I can't rid of this pain? I remember everything. Every word and every memory.

FLASHBACK

I was like a slave to him. He used to abuse me everyday
He used to give me sometime to heal, and again hit me everyday. The same procedure everyday. I even wanted to die sometimes, rather than living with him.

He grabbed my jaw in his fingers harshly, "You are nothing. You are just weak and pathetic", he slaps my face.
"Go cook some dinner for me and remember if it tastes bad, I will break you fucking hand. You are nothing but weak".

FLASHBACK OVER.

His words ring in my head. I cover my ears withy both hands, still his voice is audible to me.

"No, I'm not weak!!!", I shout at myself. I break the mirror in front of me with my bare hand. My knuckles is covered with blood. This doesn't pain a lot, I have suffered much worse than this.

I'm not in my right mind. I don't know what's going on with me. I don't understand what's real. Images are playing in front of me. I sit in corner of my room. I want to be alone for some time.

I wrap my hands around myself. I'm going insane. I need to be alone or I might hurt someone, so I hide myself in the corner of my room.

I rock myself back and forth in the corner. I hear someone opened the door and I stop. Did he followed me to my home? I hope he doesn't see me. I get all the images in front of me, were he hurt me. I don't even look who is it.

I sense someone in front of me. I was scared to death. I couldn't even hear the voice, who is next to me. Without even thinking for once, I grab the neck of the next person with my other hand. All I can see is his face. I grab it tightly, he was struggling.

"I'm not weak anymore. Y-You can't hurt me", My grip on his neck tightens more and more. I can see him struggling to breathe.

"J-Jason...leave me. Y-You're h-hurting me", he deserves all the pain, that he has caused me.

"L-Laszlo ple-please", he never called me with my middle name. It suddenly hits me, there is only one person who calls me with my middle name. I immediately move back and I shake my head, trying to come into my senses.

I see Kira, she's on the floor...trying to catch her breathe. No no no, what I've done. I hurt her. I imagined that she was____Shit, I go near her and try to help her, but she moves back.

I can see tears in her eyes. Her eyes showed pure fear. She is scared of me. I fucked up everything in just minutes.
"K-Kira, I....",
"No, ple-please don't c-come near m-me", It broke my heart. I just did something, that her abusive ex did to her. She gets up and runs away for me.

Tears are not stopping coming out of my eyes. I just fucked up bad. I committed a very big mistake. I pull my hair. I'm angry on myself so much. I try to go after her but she's nowhere to be found. God, where did she go?

I called Liam, "Liam, try to find Kira, s-she just left now. I-I couldn't able to find her", I'm so scared.
"Jason what you did?", I just fucked up everything.
"Liam, try to find her please. Don't end the call", I'm so worried about her.
"I can see her, she's walking on street alone", THANK GOD.
"Just drop her home safely, and call me later", I end the call.

I just lost her. How am I gonna fix this? Why, he had to show up now? I sit down on floor near my bed. I didn't wanted to spend my evening like this. I should've called her right after I saw him.

I slap myself, I look down my hands
How did I hurt her? How did I hurt my baby? She's never gonna forgive me. I realized that whatever I do or try to be, atlast there is gonna be the same result. That is, I'm not worthy of her. I never was and I don't think I'll ever be.