Second Chances: The Return of Gollum

Chapter 5

That night, as I was getting ready for bed, I suddenly realized this was my first night sleeping alone since my suicide attempt... and I was scared. What if my mind drifted back to those negative thoughts, and I had more suicidal thoughts? I opened my laptop, and turned on my Celtic Woman playlist to sooth my anxiety, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I curled up under the covers, and tried to calm down. I couldn't, and on top of that, after spending two nights with Sméagol by my side, I felt so lonely. It was hard sleeping alone, but I had to try.

It wasn't even five minutes of me crawling into bed, and trying to fall asleep when I heard a knock on my bedroom door and the sweet sound of Sméagol's voice gently calling, "Precious?"

I jumped out of bed, opened the door, and suddenly broke down sobbing as I fell into Sméagol's arms.

"Awwwwww." Sméagol closed the door behind him, and held me close. "Shhhhh, it's alright, Precious. Sméagol's here."

Sméagol and I crawled into bed together. He pulled me close, and wrapped his arms and legs around me. I brushed my hair back, and nuzzled up against his chest, still sobbing.

"Awwww, what is it, Precious?" Sméagol said sweetly. "What's the matter, my love?"

"I..." I couldn't speak.

"Shhhh, it's alright, Baby. It's alright."

I tried to compose myself enough to allow me to verbalize my thoughts. "I... I'm too scared to sleep alone," I said between sobs and gasps.

"Oh, Precious..." Sméagol caressed my head and backside.

"I'm scared of having those thoughts in my head again, and I..."

"You're afraid you'll try to kill yourself again?"

"Y... yes... and I didn't wanna sleep without you."

"Awwww, shhhhh, you don't have to, Precious. You don't have to. Sméagol's here. Sméagol doesn't want to sleep without you, either. Was afraid to."

"You were afraid to sleep without me?"

"Yes, very afraid I was, Precious."

I was confused. "Why?"

"Because of what happened. Sméagol was afraid it would happen again, and..." His eyes filled with tears. "And... what if it died this time?" He began to cry, too. "It scared Sméagol to death, it did."

Oh, shit. Now, I felt really bad. "Sorry," I said shamefully.

"Awwww, don't be sorry, Precious. Sméagol understands. Not your fault, no, not at all."

"I didn't do it to hurt you or scare you."

"I knows. I knows, Precious. You didn't hurts me, no. Sméagol just scared of losing you."

"Just like how I'm scared of losing you."

"Yes. Yes, but Cheyenne does not have to worry about losing Sméagol," Sméagol said in a cute, cheerful, comforting voice. "No, Sméagol isn't going anywhere."

I was quiet for a moment.

"Are you alright?"

I sighed sadly. "I broke my promise."

"What? What's it talking about, my love?"

"Remember a couple weeks ago when I promised I would let you know when I wasn't okay?"

"Yes."

"I broke that promise... twice now... but... I––"

"No. You didn't break your promise, Sweetie."

"But––"

"Sméagol heard your call that night. Remember?"

"But... what about tonight? How did you know I––"

"When we said goodnight... Sméagol saw something in your eyes... and the way it hugged me so tightly and so long... Sméagol knew it wasn't alright. Sméagol was worried about you." He played with my hair. "Yes, Sméagol knows. Even when you don't speak, Precious, Sméagol knows when something is wrong."

"Non-verbal cues?"

"Yes... and something inside Sméagol's heart."

I breathed deeply, taking in Sméagol's sweet scent, and exhaled slowly, like I was inhaling the good, and breathing out the bad. "I love you," I said under my breath.

"I loves you, too, Baby," Sméagol said softly.

"I feel so safe with you."

"You are, Precious, yes. You are safe with Sméagol, very safe. As long as you're with me, Baby, I never let anything happen to you, never. Sméagol protect you, Precious, always." He gently ran his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp. "Close your eyes, my love. Close your eyes. Go to sleep. Sméagol sing to you." He held me close, and sang me another sweet song as I drifted off to sleep. He continued singing, until he eventually fell asleep, still holding me.