Countryhumans Oneshots

The United States of Idiots

50 Times the States Did Something Super Dumb and Funny.

And America's Reaction to His Kids Being Crackheads.

Thank you to helicopter_stan for helping me research for this chapter. Especially for Connecticut.

Alabama-Eel Rain

"Dad, I have a bit of a problem," Alabama said. America quickly turned to look at him. He looked fine physically, but his face was distressed.

"Are you okay? Do you need any help?" America asked. Alabama shook his head, but his distressed look remained.

"Something happened." Alabama began, "In a town called Coalburg. And I don't know how it happened. I'm still trying to process it myself."

"What happened?" America asked, nervous.

"I'm not sure how to say it," Alabama said, rubbing his arm.

"Whatever you say, I'll be able to handle it," America told him. Alabama sighed and removed his hand from his arm.

"You sure? It's a bit of an odd one." He asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

"Yes," America responded. He wanted to know what was making his son look so distressed.

"It started raining eels."

"How the hell does it start raining eels?"

Alaska-Mayor Stubbs

"Aang Adax̂. I need you to meet one of my mayors, Mayor Stubbs." Alaska asked, walking into America's office.

"Sure. What for?" America asked, spinning a pen between his fingers. Alaska shuffled his feet, a nervous habit of his. That worried America. He hoped nothing bad had happened.

"I can't say. Just come with me." Alaska said before walking out of the room.

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"This is a cat."

"It's the mayor."

"It's a cat."

"That is also the mayor."

"Alaska, why the hell do you have a cat as mayor?"

"I mean, technically, it's honorary because the town is a historic district, but I think he's the best mayor I've ever had."

"...Please don't let your siblings know about this."

"Too late. Besides, Cali had a dog as mayor once."

"Cali had a what?"

Arizona-Owns the London Bridge

"Dad, I own the London Bridge now!" Arizona exclaimed as she walked into the room. America hoped he misheard that because what the fuck.

"You own the what?" America asked, staring at her in confusion.

"The London Bridge!" She repeated. How on earth does she own the London Bridge?

"How?" America asked. Arizona smiled.

"The British were selling it, and one of Souri's people bought it. Now it's in my state!" Arizona explained.

"Why were they selling the London Bridge?" America asked, utterly confused. He didn't understand his children at all.

"The bridge didn't support modern traffic and needed to be replaced."