Hate To Want You (18+)

36| my person

A S T R I D

I spent the past six days crying in our room and self-loathing. Gio's been a lot of help getting me through it. On the fourth day, I realized I was being selfish when I heard him crying in the bathroom. I was so caught up in myself I hadn't noticed it was that bad for him until I heard him vomit in the toilet. Since then, we promised not to hide our feelings and take this time to be vulnerable and seek comfort in each other. I helped him cry when he needed to and he helped me cry when I needed to. We even threw out all the alcohol out of the house. Don't get me wrong, a week was not enough for me to get over my unborn child but Gio needed me more.

Which is why it was so sudden when he just suggested that we go somewhere while we were watching a movie. It didn't matter where, just leave the country for a while, rejuvenate ourselves and come back. As soon as I replied with a 'sure', he immediately booked a flight to Romania. I was flattered he remembered from those months ago when I told him I've always wanted to go to Romania.

It was a good distraction too. We explored the country and went to a few tourism attractions. I had to stop Gio from buying a house because he was extremely close to moving us to Viscri, Romania. We were great in the day but in the night, we were holding onto each other, crying our pain away for two weeks.

When we came back, I thought it was a good time to tell my parents. I called my brothers to be there as well. Knowing my family, they were expecting an engagement ring or to hear I'm pregnant.

"I'm sorry, Astrid," Liam states, wishing his condolences as he drove me to my parents

I smiled at him in the rear view mirror, as much as it hurt to, "I'm fine, Liam. Thank you."

I stood at the door for a while, looked back at Liam who gestured with his hands that I should go and a thumbs up as encouragement that I'll be fine. Finally mustering the courage, I rang the doorbell and waited. Mom opened the door and hugged me but I could see the worry in her eyes.

We all sat down in the living room, surrounding me and waiting to know what I wanted to talk to them about.

"Are you pregnant?" They all asked in a chorus before I could say anything.

"No, I'm not." I paused. "But I was. I had a miscarriage a week ago."

They all gasped and stared at me, eerie silence filling the room. Mom's shaking hand covered her mouth and her eyes casting downwards. Dad's eyes were closed and his head turned to the side, away from me. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed or sympathetic. Logan and Oli were staring straight at me, not blinking as if their eyes were unfocused. Not being able to handle the suffocating silence, I stood to my feet to leave. Clearly, they needed time to process this. It was too much to drop on them anyway.

As I strolled to the door, heavy weight fell on my body from all sides. I glimpsed around to see my big brothers holding me in a tight embrace. Logan's head lay on top of my head while Oli's head was in the crook of my neck.

"I'm sorry, little sis," Logan says softly, kissing the top of my head.

"Do you need food? Food helps." I laughed at Oli's offer but he earned a slap on the back of the head. "Dude. It really helps."

He sprinted to the kitchen and came back with a reasonable sized slice of pudding cake, mom seemed to have made today. This is what I need. Mom's food always made us feel better about anything.

"Astrid, प्रिय. Come here." The crack in mom's voice pierced a hole in my heart. I went back in the living room and sat beside her as she wiped her eyes dry while dad's head was in his palms.

"How did it happen?"

"Tequila happened. I didn't know I was pregnant and she died." It was easier saying it now than it was two days ago because my voice was hoarse from the screaming and crying. The pain in my chest was slowly becoming dull. For someone who didn't know she was pregnant, I sure did cry for someone who did. It could be guilt or the reality of 'what if'.

Her eyebrows furrowed and dad lifted his head to look at me. "She?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. Whenever I think about it, I always think it's a girl."

"Eveline didn't tell me. How is Gio taking it?" She sniffled.

"We're taking it one day at a time but he was finally able to go back to the office today. I'm going tomorrow. We asked Eveline not to tell you."

"You probably think I'm disappointed in you but I could never be. You're my baby girl. I just don't know what to say or think. I can't imagine the pain that you could be going through right now." After trying to hold his tears in for so long, he finally burst into tears. I go and sit beside him, wrapping my arms around him while his body shakes.

I rub comforting circles on his back to calm him down. "It's okay, dad. I'm fine."

He shakes his head and pulls away from me to look me in the eyes. "No, you're not. You've always pretended that you were okay even when you're not. But you are my daughter and right now I can see that you're in the worst pain imaginable. It's okay to not be okay."

My lower lip quivered while a tear escaped my eye. "Oh, daddy. I know but I've cried enough. Gio took care of me, now it's my turn to take care of me."

He brought his hand up to my cheek and wiped the tear away with his thumb. "We're here for you as your family, Astrid."

We spent the rest of the day talking about everything but the miscarriage for my sake. Dad and my brothers told me that they think they've found where the human trafficking ring is. For the past three weeks, they had an undercover cop disguised as a business man in need of money. They're gathering resources to invade in two days. That was excellent news. It lifted my spirits a little.

I went home after, in a slightly better mood than I left to find Eveline standing at the door. Gio told me that she's been trying to reach out but stayed away out of respect for our time and space. To see her standing there was kind of a relief. I don't know what came over me but I ran to her and hugged her. We talked and laughed. It was the first and most I've ever laughed since that day. She introduced me to knitting. I've never done it before, so she spent the entire day teaching me until Gio came.

Even after she left, I practised my knitting technique using Youtube until I fell asleep. I woke up when I felt someone crawling into the bed beside me. Gio came home early, which he has been doing a lot, so I knew it wasn't him. Opening my eyes, I was surprised to see Blaire getting under the covers between me and Gio. He groaned and got out of the bed, leaving us to ourselves.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked me, overlapping her legs with mine in a pretzel.

"I don't know. I guess, I didn't want to put that kind of burden on you when you've already been through enough and are finally happy," I confessed. Tequila would be perfect right now but I haven't gotten around to touch or even look at a bottle.

She hugged me, pulling my head to her chest and she rubbed my arm. "You still should've told me, Astrid. You're my person; I need to know what's going on in your life: good and bad, so I can be there with you. Just like you have been for me."

"I'm your person?"

She hums in response, "Better get used to it."

02/02/22

Au revoir...  

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