19. Liar

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"Knight on h3? Seriously?" Mason huffs, pushing his shaggy brown hair back

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"Knight on h3? Seriously?" Mason huffs, pushing his shaggy brown hair back. "You just want to lose. Admit it."

I scratch the back of my neck. "Short castle?"

Mason moves a pawn to d5 and smirks. "Short is how the match will be since you chose the worst opening ever."

He's right. The bishop he uncovered by moving the pawn is threatening my knight now, and I'm at a disadvantage no matter what I do.

Losing the knight is the smallest of my issues. Weakening the king's side is way worse because castling will be pointless.

In chess, one wrong move at the beginning sets the tone for the whole match, and I ruined my chances at a good play by moving a random piece without thinking.

Ten minutes later, Mason gives me a pity hug and a friendly pat on my back, proud of his chess supremacy. I never go easy on him - if he wins, it's because he's earned it. He'd be mad at me if I pretended to suck at it, anyway.

I'm not pretending today, and maybe that's why his hug is a bit longer, and the pat is more of an awkward caress.

"Tara," Mason whispers.

"Yeah?"

"It's okay not to be okay."

Those are the words I said to him, and that he used them with me makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I blink twice and turn the chessboard over. Mason helps me gather the pieces, and once there aren't any left on the gray carpet in the group home game room, we scramble to our feet.

Mason presses the board to his chest. "Are you staying for lunch?"

"I need to work for a bit," I say.

He squints. "It's Saturday."

"I need to retouch the pictures before posting. And do laundry."

And make my bed because I hardly left it in days.

Doctor Jennings told me healing isn't always linear. It's okay to feel on top of the world one minute and find yourself chained to the grim thoughts the next. But each time something triggers me, I can't help but wonder if I will be truly okay one day. If I will manage to forgive.

I say goodbye to Mary, Mason, and the rest of the kids. An exhalation pushes past my lips when I step into the bright autumn day. I should've spent more time outdoors instead of staying in my room with my nose buried in the pillow Sebastian slept on.

A part of me wanted to find him in the apartment in the morning so I could thank him for staying with me, but that would only make the situation more awkward. Although he wanted to talk to me, I ignored his text, secretly hoping he would send another one.

I've never behaved so unlike myself with anyone. Especially not with a guy. There weren't lots of guys, either. Only two, counting the night I spent with Drew.

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