You're my person! {Derek Shepherd} Greys anatomy fanfic

Chapter 12

I wake up pretty tired, but I get ready eat some breakfast and get into the car for work, today I was doing a pretty big surgery with Derek so that's gonna be my real big surgery.

I walk into the hospital, as I walk in I see Derek and mark talking at the desk, I walk up to them because I know there's a little time before surgery.

'so Derek who are we operating on?' I ask out of curiosity

'a little girl named Ella, she has some brain tumors we have to get rid of, and it's not gonna be easy, I've talked with her parents that the risk of death is pretty high because it's a complicated surgery but I believe so much in myself, and I'm sure she's going to get through it' he explains, this made me a lot more nervous, I hate operating on kids, don't get me wrong I love saving lives, but I don't think I can take losing them.

'oh okay, we'll hope for the best, also what time do you guys help with the boxes?' I ask

'well me and mark thought about around 4 pm, the surgery is possibly finished at 3 pm, so we just go directly after, also Meredith thought a bigger bed for you and it's already placed in the room' Derek tells me

'okay perfect' I say as I walk away, I have to change into scrubs and get ready

time goes and we're standing in the OR, I could feel myself get hotter, this was a really complicated surgery, and in a risky place...the brain

'are you ready y/n' Derek asks me, and my mouth was so dry all I could was nod, and then the surgery begins, me and Derek both in this little girls brain operating.

'oh crap' Derek spits out, I look at him in a bit of fear

'y/n you have smaller hands than me can you try reach for the outside of the tumor carefully' Derek tells me

'sure' as I try to reach in there the machines begins beeping loudly and rougher, and I knew what that meant, I probably hit something else, Derek could see me panic

'y/n just breathe, oh shit, she's bleeding out!' Derek says also panicking while trying to save her

***

we lost her...

everyone standing in the gallery just stood watching, I stand there, frozen, not able to move, everyone heads out, the little girl got packed away, this was my fault, I killed her..

I was so frustrated with myself, tears began falling, I began hitting and throwing everything in the room, I started panicking, this was my fault, how will her parents take it, she was so young

I smash everything I see in my way, suddenly the door opens, mark grabs me, holding me, Derek then walks in.

'Derek! call Richard' mark yells

'I- I can't breathe' I manage to say while tears are still falling, me and mark are sitting on the floor.

Richard gets in and sits with me, I get my act together, I have to tell the parents, that made me want to throw up. I stand up and before Richard can say anything I walk out and walking to the lobby where I see the parents.

'mr and mrs cooper...' I manage to speak up, then I feel like I have to throw up but keep it together, Derek then joins, placing a hand on my back. tears began forming in my eyes.

'Ella, sadly didn't make it, I'm so sorry, we did everything we could' I say as my voice begins to crack

the mom breaks down, this is the worst part, maybe I wasn't made to be a doctor, I then walk away take my things and drives to Meredith's house.

I walk in the dapper ignoring everyone who tried to talk to me, went to my room and just laid in the bed, crying, in silence.