Russian Roulette: Flashbacks [male x male]

Ch. 41: Until we meet again

Then

"Jace, can I talk with you for a moment?"

"Sure?" Jace was in the middle of piling up a plate of food at the buffet in the hotel restaurant. Discretely, he glanced around to see there were almost no people left in the room. He looked at his plate and then at Phoenix, who stood leaning against the doorframe of the restaurant entrance. From his somewhat constipated expression, Jace figured it was not something they could discuss there. "Can I eat first?"

Phoenix nodded absentmindedly, pointed upward to indicate the rooms, and left.

Jace was not sure what to make of the way Phoenix acted. It had to be work. If it had been private, he would not have approached him at the restaurant. He would have sent a text or waited until they were somewhere alone. That was the only redeeming factor that made him not hyperventilate with panic.

Things had been very good between them since that stay in Greenwich where Jace had gone to see his father. It had taken Jace some time to come to terms with the fact that he was falling for Phoenix. It had not been thunderbolts and lightning, nor had it been Phoenix descending in a ray of divine light with angel song and harps playing. There had been none of that love at first sight, movies and books sort of powerful rush of emotions, culminating in fireworks of feelings.

With Phoenix, the feelings had come creeping in like a fog. A mist of unknown emotions to Jace. Wants and needs wrapped in a veil he could not see through and understand from the darkness beneath. It had come out of nowhere and rolled in over the plains of his life to cover Jace's dark world underneath the fog, where fear and self-blame dampened the earth that was his life. It had created a barrier between Jace's limited beliefs in love and a happy life, and Phoenix's infinity of possibilities on the other side of it. The fog, like their relationship, was a large, clouded area of unchartered territory where the visibility of what was just around the bend was low. As Phoenix had said, he was the sun, and the sun was the only thing to break through the fog to light up the darkness and chase the shadows away. To warm Jace's earth and dry out the fear and self-blame from it.

Each time Phoenix's sun shone on a new part of Jace's fogged feelings, Jace had realized Phoenix laid him bare. Open, vulnerable, and without a chance in hell to hide from what the fog revealed to him on the other side.

In the brightness of Phoenix's light, Jace had seen all the marvels of the man who devoted his time and energy to make him feel safe and cared for in their sexual setting and outside of it too. It was in the small things that Phoenix did, not only during their scenes but in their everyday life. The support at work, his commitment to drop everything to talk if Jace needed it, and his unfaltering determination to keep his agreements with Jace. The way he went out of his way to adjust to their new agreement, even if change and what Phoenix had never tried before, a club relationship outside the club, scared him.

Phoenix had adhered to Jace's request about asking and not ordering. When they had first begun to play outside the club, Phoenix had diligently covered all bases in terms of consent and assurance that what he suggested fit Jace's mood at that moment. Had it been asking Jace to come over for pizza and a spanking, or asking if Jace wanted to test out a new toy with him, Phoenix had not once shown any signs of not being ok with Jace's answers, positive or negative.

When it was the other way about, and it was Jace who had started something, Phoenix had accepted the text or call at face value without the need to ask Jace if he was sure, but he had asked for consent when he showed up to do what they had agreed on.

That extra element of their relationship had helped Jace realize he wanted a life with Phoenix outside the club. And he wanted to one day wake up to Phoenix being there. By God, that was what he needed. He was always there to calm Jace and perform aftercare, but afterward, when Jace had fallen asleep, he would wake up alone. It did not matter if they had been at Jace's or Phoenix's apartment, or a hotel when on assignment. Phoenix never failed to leave cutesy notes, explaining his absence, and Jace had no way to fault the excuses used. Usually, they were work or food related. Both Jace was ok with.