No Winter Lasts Forever

Chapter Five

James woke from a nightmare, sitting straight up in bed. His breath shuddered in his chest. The nightmare had been so vivid. So real, in fact. He rubbed at his face and tried to get some feeling back into his body. Why is it always so cold? What time is it?

The clock read 5:30am. James slowly lay back down and tried to relax. It didn't work. His heart was beating far too fast. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed deeply before turning on his side. He closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep. But no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, that damned dream continued playing over and over again in his head. That damn dream he would never be able to forget or forget for good. The image of The Winter Soldier and the wrath he caused wouldn't leave his mind.

A knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts and he forced himself to sit up again. Who could possibly be knocking on my door right now? He pulled off the covers and padded softly towards the door. When he opened the door, he froze. Willow stood just outside the threshold with two cups in hand.

"I heard you moving around, so I thought I would offer you coffee," Willow said softly. She could see the red in his eyes and knew he'd had another bad dream. "Are you okay?"

James wiped one hand over his face and took a calming breath before he took one of the mugs from her. "Yeah... I will be anyway."

Willow furrowed her brow. "Did you have another nightmare?"

James nodded, turning to set the mug on the table by the bed. "I did..." He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "Not really..." Willow set the second cup of coffee next to James' mug. "Thank you," He said as she took a seat beside him.

Willow nodded as she looked at James. "How long have you been awake?"

"Just a bit," James replied softly. He picked up his coffee and took a sip from it, then leaned back against the pillows and stared out the window. He felt like this conversation wasn't going to end until he talked. But how do you even start something like this?

"What were you dreaming about this time?" Willow asked softly. 

His throat felt dry as he swallowed. "The Soldier."

"James, I know it's been told to you, but you had no choice in what your actions were while you were The Winter Soldier. HYDRA made you that way, you didn't do it yourself." Willow turned and fully faced James before she placed a hand on his knee. "I know your memories get mixed up sometimes still, but I'm here to help you through it."

James stared at Willow's hand on his knee and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to fight back tears and let them slide down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and looked back at Willow, deciding to speak out. "I've lost count how many times I dreamed of being taken in by HYDRA. Every single time they brought me back in it was a mission report, then back in the cryo chamber. If I remembered anything from my old life, I was wiped clean again." He rubbed at his face. "Sometimes the mission report would be about killing someone. Other times it would be about training techniques and combat techniques, or I completely botched the mission I was on. I just can't seem to escape the nightmares of being tortured." he trailed off. "That last nightmare, that's not the worst I've ever had. It happened months ago. It's all starting to blur together now, all of the bad things that I've done. My previous shrink told me to make a list of people I wanted to make amends with, but I'm not so sure that would help."

Willow gave him a soft smile. "You are allowed to feel bad about all of the terrible things you have done James. You aren't alone in this. We all have bad memories we don't want to relive. Your previous therapist has told you about PTSD too, didn't he?"