Is This My Life?(Completed)

Week 7~ Friday

        "W-Why?"

        My body trembles with the pain I know is coming, my fear overtaking all other senses so I feel numb, yet each of his touches send a shocking pain through me.

        "What... Did I do?" 

        My voice is small, timid, raspy, as it had been when I was stuck with him.

        However, I get no response. I should've known. I never do.

        Since I was young, just a little kid, I've never gotten an answer beyond "You deserve it", "It's fun", or my personal favorite, "Just shut up and do as you're told."

        I take in a deep breath, staring up at him. His pitch black bangs fall forward, brushing against my forehead with every movement. "Because I love you, Harley."

        His voice comes out as a whisper. A winded reminder of how harsh those words can be. Those words which some believe to be the ultimate confession of compassion and dedication. I, however, learned long ago that 'love' is just a word. A word invented to trick someone into doing whatever you want.

        They don't even have to trick me, though... That's why I don't understand.

        I don't fight back- I'm too afraid.

        So why do they have to continue to corrupt those three words? It's almost painful to even tell Lila and Nick that I love them, now. See what they've done to me?

        Especially the man above me, now... His hot breath hitting my face, his hands roughly gripping each and every part of my body.

        I loved him. I really, truly loved him.

        So why would he, of all people, hurt me like this?

        I stare up into those eyes once again, seeing all the 'love' he has for me. 

        It was once a most brotherly affection, a protective instinct embedded deep within him. His strong arms were a source of protection and safety in my eyes. His strength was my hope, his love was my strength.

        But, what now? Now that he's there, breaking me just like they all have... Now that my heart is being shattered into a million pieces while my body feels like it's being torn in two, who do I have left?

        What can I do to heal from this? To stop myself from feeling so worthless, used, broken..?

        I know I've got to keep living... I know I've got to take care of Nick and Lila, make sure that nothing bad ever happens to them, but.. What about me? I know it's a selfish thought, but lately I've been having a lot of those. I actually want to be happy, I want a good life. I don't want to be forced into doing things I hate, that hurt me, that make me want to scream and cry even though I can't.

        But for my little kiddos, I'll continue to put up with it.

        I glance over at the clock after he leaves me. 12:02 AM. So, not as bad as his Dad, but still pretty bad... I honestly didn't think he'd last as long as he did. I didn't think he'd realize how my body has been trained to react the way every man wants, even if I feel nothing from it but pain and terror... All of them like that, never once have they complained... Is that really all any man wants? Just for a woman to be beneath him, contorting to his will no matter the physical, emotional, or mental toll on her?

        I'm beginning to think so.

        I turn on my back, and simply stare up at the ceiling. I remember how I used to lay in bed and allow the sobs to overtake my body before rushing to a bathroom and cleaning up. But right now, I don't feel like I want to cry at all. I feel as though this is something I deserved. Had I really done something so awful that I deserved to be punished in this way by every man I meet? By everyone I trust, will I be betrayed?