The Vortex: Prophesies

Chapter Nineteen

How awful to say that I have begun to get used to the anxiety of the world, someone as young as I am shouldn't have to know violence and unrest is coming and feel so unabashed by it.

I know many may say that seventeen isn't as young as it could have been, but I don't think it changes much in my disposition, I feel old while feeling childlike constantly. Two halves of me ripped between rationality and what must be the right decisions and the desire to let everything go and run around the school screaming, while Jai chases me with water balloons.

How does one choose between the two? Or in contrast, balance the two when my personality demands I stay poised.

For forever, at least it feels that way. I have been attempting to sort through my wants and desires, untangling them from the ways I was taught I must be and act, Grandmother was raised in an entirely different time and the lack of outside knowledge left her to pass on what she knows. To her children and ect... even when it stopped accurately reflecting on the time outside the garden walls.

It was a sanctuary, in a different time, I think I was spared many burdens when it comes to going to school with humans and being enrolled in St. Wicher's, I have no doubt that I wouldn't be an outrageous prat. The exposure may have saved me from a life I did not truly wish to live.

Never would I tell Percy what I honestly thought about his gentle, but passionate encouragement for me to live the life, more accurate of my age. I always understood what he meant but in the same way that I wanted to indulge in it, I had no real reason too.

I manage to have fun with my friends without causing chaos, I ran out in a storm even though I knew it would be dangerous.

Possibly the climate we are trapped in had more of an effect on me than I would have first admitted, but when Grandmother taught me to act thirteen at seven, and twenty-four at sixteen- I began to feel outdated.

There's a desire in me to be constantly prepared, and not just me but the people I care about as well, and I am not entirely sure whether that is just the love talking or a duty I feel compelled towards.

Jamie has been exposed to war and the darker sides of our world since he was far younger than I, never was he gifted rose coloured glasses to view the world through. Yet, despite the two different sides, being ready and realistic was the thing we connected on the most, I never felt like I had to smother what was going through my head in front of him.

If I had a theory he would listen, but I won't deny that having four other people around that for the most part had faith in their lives and abilities, has stopped me from becoming too cynical.

Without them, I fear I may have been one of the students that have started walking around poised to fight an any given moment, I swear I have seen some of them huddled in groups around the front door. Or hidden in the courtyard and staring up at the gloomy sky, spring has come and taken the rain from us, but the clouds still hang heavy above.

I can understand how there is no point, in obsessing over something that you cannot predict... though it does not quell my brain when I am trying to sleep at night. I have been catching myself, holding my breath and waiting for the banging and screaming to start ringing through the castle.

It hasn't happened yet, and for the first time in the two years we have been attending this school, I am the one crawling into Liylah's bed and prompting Lizzie to join us.

I can't lie and say it isn't crazy just how long we have been here, but having it only be halfway with all things considered. They had us looking over the subjects available for next year and it feels kind of crazy knowing I will be eighteen the next time I come through these halls and will be making steps towards the rest of my life.