Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

RELAPSE

TW - Self-Harm

--

It has been two weeks since I arrived at Sarah's apartment. I didn't start school again because of my anxiety but Sarah kept working at her job. As she was working in the school she was always not very far from me. If I had a bad time, or if I couldn't do something by myself in the studio, I could called her and she would be here in no time. But I tried to not call her in the middle of her classes. Thankfully, I was able to go out of the apartment without going inside the school. So I usually took a walk when the classes were over or in the middle of the morning, to be sure I couldn't bump into someone I knew.

My eating was good, and my weight was integrally restored. But my mental health was fragile. I had good days, especially when I was with Sarah. But sometimes, I was feeling very bad. The thoughts were terribly present and I wanted to end it all. But Sarah was always reassuring me, telling me it was the treatments and we would talk about it to my doctors.

But today, I was feeling very, truly not good. And I didn't want to worry Sarah about it, especially because she had a lot of classes. I decided to go on a walk to breathe and think of something else, but I didn't check the time. It was lunch break and as I was walking in the park next to my school, I noticed people looking at me. I turned to face them and I saw my classmates. As they saw I was watching them, they came to me.

"Hey Gabrielle ! How are you ? It's been a while !!"

"Hi, I'm okay thank you." I answered weakly.

"Where have you been ?" Said one of them. "Shut up, you know where she was." Whispered another one.

But as they were looking at me in a heavy silence I replied. "I was sick, so I was in the hospital but now I'm better." I tried to smile.

"Well, you look so much healthier." A girl said with a big smile on her face. She was trying to be nice but I didn't like to hear that, because it meant that I was bigger.

"Do you want to eat with us ? We were going to buy something at McDonald." Asked a boy.

The idea of eating in front of them, when they just implied I was fat was too much for me. And McDonald ?! No way. I politely declined and I walked back to the apartment, feeling so much worst than before. As I was leaving my schoolmates, I heard them whispering about me. "She is bigger than before" "I was sure she was anorexic, but not anymore", they giggled. "But look at her, she seems weird" "I always knew she was strange" "I'm sure she was in a psych hospital" They laughed louder. Tears were filling my eyes and I walked quickly to the studio.

When I reached it, I ran to Sarah's bedroom. I cried during hours, until I heard Sarah coming back from work.

"Hey Gabrielle I'm here, I'm home !" She yelled from the main room. "Gabrielle ?"

I quickly wiped the tears on my cheeks and I pretended to be asleep. Sarah slowly opened the door and saw me, apparently sleeping. She came to kiss my forehead and she didn't notice anything. I waited for her to leave the room and I opened my eyes. The door was closed and I was alone, again. I could have gone to see Sarah, I could have said how I was feeling but she was so proud of me lately, I didn't want to ruin all my efforts and above all, I didn't want to worry her, again.

But I was feeling awful, I didn't know what to do to calm the pain inside me. The only thing who used to help me was to cut. Honestly, it had been a while since I've been thinking of self-harming again. But I was clean since so much time, my scars were fading and I didn't want to start all over again. And obviously if Sarah found out I was cutting again, she would send me straight to the hospital again. My worst nightmare.

But today the thoughts were too present, too deep. So I discreetly stoop up and walked to the bathroom. Sarah thought I was sleeping so she wouldn't bother me. I closed the bathroom behind me and locked the door. Something I wasn't allowed to do. I searched for something sharp but obviously, Sarah had hidden all the blades and scissors. Except for the one she uses, I thought. I looked in her drawer and I found a razor. I was able to disassemble it and I took the blade. I sat on the toilet seat and I pulled up my left sleeve. Scars were still here but all healed. I took a deep breathe and without thinking any further, I passed the blade few time on my wrist. I did 8 cuts on each wrists, but the pain was still here so I cut on my thighs as well. Blood streamed on my pale skin but I kept cutting. I wasn't crying, my face was emotionless. I stretched my arm to take handkerchiefs but I couldn't stand up, otherwise the blood would have flowed on my pants. But the handkerchiefs were a bit too far so I stretched my arm even more and I didn't realized I've had released the blade. It fell on the floor in a high sound.