Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

PAST

TW - Eating-Disorder

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"Well, as I already told you, I had kind of the same problems as you, regarding the eating disorder..." Sarah said. She was clearly not okay talking about it, but I really needed to know. She resumed.

"When I was a child, I was kinda fat. I loved eating, especially junk food as ice creams, french fries... But soon in my teenage life, I understood that the weight was very important in the society."

At this point I agreed with her.

"But I was still eating a lot of unhealthy food, probably to forget the hard part of being a teenager. You know, the moment when you start having your periods and hair growing everywhere, pimples showing on your face and your mood always changing... But I started as well to get remarks on my body and the way I dressed. I was wearing jogging to feel comfortable, and large shirts but it was not really fashionable and trendy at this time. Girls were wearing pretty dresses and skinny jeans, that I couldn't were, well, I thought I couldn't wear because of my body."

I took Sarah's hand in mine and I squeezed it to make her understand I was supporting her and she could keep talking.

"Then, I tried to eat healthier and I quickly saw the results. But I wasn't satisfied and it wasn't fast enough so I first stopped eating breakfast. It was easy to skip few meals in a day as my parents were working a lot. They didn't really focused on my weight loss. So I kept doing it and I missed more and more meals until I was pretty skinny. And it's at this moment people started congratulate me on my good looking. I was thin and I could wear those pretty clothes everyone was wearing. I could have been satisfied, but it was not enough. I wanted to be thinner than the other girls." She sighed and it seemed very hard for her to keep talking so I encouraged her.

"You can do it, you can talk to me Sarah, I understand you and I feel that it helps me."

"Okay... So I kept going on my bad habits, I was eating less every day, and my bones were showing even more. People stopped compliment me so I thought I should go harder. I totally stopped eating, during few days, I couldn't even drink other things than water, and one day, in my usual hyperactivity, I fainted. I couldn't breath it was horrible, my throat was nearly closed and my pulse was getting slower." Tears filled Sarah's eyes but she didn't stop.

"I woke up in a gurney next to my mother who was so worried about me. She felt so guilty for not noticing that I was sick and she couldn't stop crying." Sarah started crying when she said it. I pulled her in a hug to hide the tears falling down my cheeks.

"So I ended up like you, in a hospital being treating for anorexia. And it was the harder part of my life." Her voice was shaking and she was staring at me, deep in my eyes.

"How many time did you stay in the hospital ?" I asked.

"Few months because my health was bad, very bad. Mental and physical."

"Did you get the tube as well ?"

"Yes, for several weeks, but I try to not think about this time of my life, I nearly forget my hospital days because all I can recall is that it was very hard and painful." Her voice was now stern, as she prevented her emotions from overwhelming her. I jumped on the occasion to make her understand that it was hard for me too.

"I totally get what you say you know, I feel the same, like I have to chase away the memories I make here." I swallow hard. I didn't like the idea of manipulating her, but it was the only way to leave the hospital.

"It is hard to stay here, and I know it helps, but I think the hospital has already helped me enough. Now I feel like it's just pain to stay here. I'm better, totally better so what's the point to stay if it just hurt me ?"

Sarah wiped her tears and squeezed my hands.

"I understand honey, I get what you are saying, but that's not my choice to make you stay or leave."

"In fact it is. You can sign a paper to make me leave and the doctors can't say anything. They can't sequester me here !!" I was trying to be as convincing as I could, but Sarah didn't seem to agree with me. So I played the card of her past.

"And you, how did you get out of the hospital?" I asked. She looked down again and after a slight silence she spoke.

"I- I was better, my weight was restored" Like me ! I thought very deeply. "and I was able to eat without the tube, I think." She stopped a second. "But as I said, I really don't remember much of my hospitalization. I just came back home one day and my mom took really good care of me during years until my full recovery. Then I was autonomous so I took an apartment to finish my studies and I became a teacher. I moved here and I met you. And..." She sighed again. "You remind me a lot of the young girl I was." Her deep dark eyes immersed again in mine.

"So... you know how I feel? You understand why I want to leave ?"

"Yes sweetheart, I get it. But I need to talk to your doctors because even if I can make a call here, I really want their opinion." She stroke my hair.

"Okay... But promise me to do anything you can to make me leave, please." I stared at her with puppy's eyes. She nodded and I gave her some advice of what to say to have the best chance to get me out of here.