Meet me again - (Sarah Paulson)

TIME

TW - Eating-Disorder, Self-Harm

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After Ms Paulson confessed her past with me, we talked during hours about everything. Her life and mine, her fears and her passions... Well, we started to get closer and learn more about each other.

The days went by and Ms Paulson – I mean, Sarah and I got closer. She was staying at the hospital with me all the time at the beginning. At first, she was sleeping on a couch next to me because I couldn't sleep alone. But then she moved back to her studio in the school, which wasn't very far from the hospital. But she was staying with me whole day in my bedroom. I couldn't get out for the first days, but as the tube was giving me strength, I was allowed to get outside, in the hospital park with other girls. When she started her classes, she was only coming when she didn't had lessons, so during some afternoons and every evening. I was stressed when she wasn't here but I knew she would come every day to see me.

I was a bit busy during the day, I had appointments with my therapist, and then my psychiatrist, my doctors, some nurses for group talks and free time to read, watch tv or just rest. Sarah was talking often with my doctors, and she was doing everything for me, like bringing me new clothes, signing papers and organizing my school stuff. She was as a matter of fact giving me lessons for me not to drop out school.

I had some hard time, especially when they were trying to change the nutritional habits they had established before. But Sarah managed always to make me do the good things for my body. I had stopped making myself throwing up, and even cutting. I was proud but I can't deny, I wanted to. But as I was very watched, I couldn't try anything, fortunately for my health and my body.

So things advanced gradually, and I still had my tube. I wasn't ready to eat, and I felt better with the tube. But I wanted to go. I started to be bored after one month in here and I didn't felt like it was helping me. At first yes, I regained weight and my mental health was getting better so the hospitalization was helping. But slowly by slowly, it started to be worst. Sarah was coming less and the other girls were nice, but I missed my roommates and my school friends. And after all, I just wanted to leave.

I was lying more and more at the doctors about my mental health and my feelings. And they seemed to trust me. Sarah, when she was here, had work to do. She was listening to me while correcting and marking papers and she seemed stressed from her job. I didn't want to bother her more with my bad thoughts so I just kept talking positive.

But one day, I realized the hospital was really not helping me. I was better and I needed to get out of this toxic environment. During one of my appointment with Dr Robbins, I asked her about when I could leave. But her face faded and went strict.

"Listen Gabrielle, you're still sick. You're doing very great, so much better than when you arrived here, but it doesn't mean that you're healed." I winced at this word. I didn't thought I needed to be healed, cured, because for me, I wasn't sick. Dr Robbins resumed.

"See, you still have the tube, you can't get out with it. If you leave the hospital, you will have to eat all the meals you need in a day. And for now you're not capable to do that."

I looked down because she was right. But the though of the tube being the only thing separating me from the outside made me angry.

"And if I get rid of it ? Of the tube ? I might leave ?" I replied.

"It's not all about your weight and your capacity to eat, but also your mental state. And you know it. I'm sorry, but now, with what you're saying, I can tell you're not ready to leave us now."

I rolled my eyes and I left the appointment, desappointed.

Time was passing and I was asking at every appointment when I could leave. But the answer was the same all the time, until I decided to talk to Sarah about it. She came an evening, with her usual papers.

"Hey baby girl." She said kissing my forehead. She then sat next to me and started reading the papers.

"Mmmmh, Sarah ? I need to talk to you about something."

She didn't looked at me, she was so focused on her work.

"Sarah, something serious." She still wasn't listening to me so I put my hands on the papers for her to look at me.

"Yes honey I'm sorry, I have a lot of work today. But tell me what is it ?"

I breathed deeply and I started. "I need to leave this hospital."

Sarah frown, but I kept going. My heart was racing. "I think it's toxic for me, being with all the sick girls and I'm doing so much better !" I stood up. "Look, my weight is nearly restored and my mental state is good !"

"Sweetheart, you know it's not my decision." She sighed.

"Yes I know, but I made some research and I learned that you can chose to make me stay, or not. You can sign a paper which said that I can leave. The doctors can't keep me in forever !" I said trying to be convincing.

"Honey... I'm tired. I don't want to discuss it tonight. I'll talk to your doctors tomorrow and we will see." Sarah answered.

I was so disappointed but Sarah seemed really tired so I just laid on my bed watching at my phone until Sarah left. And instead of sleeping, I started making a plan to leave, with the permission of Sarah.