Wangxian - The Road Not Taken

Reflection and Doubts

So that's how we started our journey to Burial Mounds with Lan Zhan and lil Apple.
One weird thing I noticed is the lack of resistance on the path. I would have expected to face atleast a few corpses on the way, but it was silent like we were on a vacation, away from reality.

This also led us to have more time to think. I was pondering over my relationship with Lan Zhan and how I feel about him.

For years, in my previous life I felt that he was the one person who may not be like me personality wise but I feel we do think same. Like the time we took an oath together to protect the weak, rid the world of evil and be of clear conscience.

He was a confidant, the one one willing to fight with me for the path I chose when others just wanted the benefits till they could and then throw me away when my usefulness was over. And now, he is the only one willing to stand with me even if it meant being against everything and everyone that he has ever known and held dear.

Even though I didn't admit, even to myself, I have always felt a pull towards him, more than a mere friendship.

Much stronger.

I always wanted to be the center of his attraction. I knew I could not hold his attention just by being there hoping he would notice me.

I tried to impress him by my knowledge but it kinda backfired. Maybe , just maybe I did a bit too much show off.

Anyway  how could anything about me interest someone who has already surpassed anything I could have thought of. How else could I impress him ?

So the only thing I could think of was making my present evident to him.
Everytime he would be near I would call out to him.
I just wanted a reaction from him, anything would do except his cold stoic demeanor.
I was happy if I could manage to be in his thoughts for even a second. That was an achievement that I was proud of.
Daily coming up with something that would remind him of me, even if one day I would not be near him anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if this is just because of the guilt that he couldn't save me. I understand how that can scar a person, maybe thinking if he could have held tighter, fought harder, convinced better, stayed longer.

But after hearing from Zewu Jun about the punishment. I can't even believe that he would be punished. And that too because of me.

But he had to suffer for standing by me in my last moments, for protecting me.

All that he did should have cleared any debts that he thinks that he owes me (if there were ever any between us. )

He even has a hidden stash of my favourite wine stored in his quarters. He has a brand mark same as the one I had in my previous life which again Zewu Jun said that he did to himself, and that too for me.

Even in a drunken state, he thought of me.

First of all it shocked me that Lan Zhan could drink, and did drink in memory of me.

Even for their ancestors they offer tea not wine. So selfishly I felt special.

Does he feel the same for me?

Can he feel the same for me, an evil cultivator?

Even if he does feel the same or similar, how long before he gets tired of me?

Will he be able to face criticism from the cultivation world?
Jiang Cheng tried, but couldn't

Will he really stand by my side?

Will I really have someone to fall back on?

Will I really have someone who would unconditionally stay by my side and believe in me?

Am I getting too much ahead of myself by expecting too much?

Is he currently with me just because he thinks that this is the right path in finding culprit and has nothing to do with me?

Oh how I wish we could be a family, just like the one I had years ago with me and mother taking on the ride with father walking beside us. The only thing missing in the correct picture is a child, our child.

Oh A-Yuan I miss you.
I wish so much you were alive, even if it's not with me.
I wish that you be able to live a happy and healthy life with a good person to guide you through life.

It would have been better if it was you that was brought back to life my child, not me.

I can still remember the day you called my dear Lan Zhan A-die(father) and me a-Niang (mother). I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry.

I really want to ask Lan Zhan all of this but am scared to.

What if he doesn't feel the same?

What if it breaks our current rapport?

What if it creates a tention and awkwardness?

What if we can't go back to how we were?

What if this insignificant evil demonic cultivator is expecting too much?

.
...
What if he does feel the same?

Few days ago I accidentally fell on him and our lips touched for the briefest of the moment but that felt like a bolt of electricity coursing through my body.

Initially I wanted to brush it off and act casual but somehow all of my acting skills had left me alone. So being the smart individual that I am I did the best thing that I could think of with my remaining brain cells.

Yes yes, I ran off and didn't (couldn't) see Lan Zhan for hours till we could move forward from this incident.

Behavior of Lan Zhan in these recent weeks after my rebirth has ignited this hope in me, however absurd, however ridiculous. I want to pursue further and see if we can really become something more.

His increased tolerance, improved perception, his melted ice demeanor at times, his care, his worries, almost instant recognition of my identity..
Oh wait wait wait...could it be....
I suddenly stop the tune that I had kept playing on our journey while I mull over my thoughts.

"Umm Lan Zhan?" I hope this is not just my wishful thinking.

"Mn"

"What was the name of the song you sung in the Slaughter cave?"

"Why?"

"I think I know how you recognised me"

"..." I could see a ghost of a smile on his face and I could barely hold myself back.

" Tell na... Pretty please......please please please" I was so excited that I just couldn't sit still.

"You tell" he looked at me expectantly

"Me? Have you not named it yet? Really? If so I will definitely help you out"

Is something wrong with my eyes or Lan Zhan really did roll his eyes at me?

Just to spite him I offered the most absurd and weird names so that either he comes up with a better one or cough up the real one.

But him, always having the upper hand, just remained quiet, not taking the bait.

I silently start making a plan......