OBLIVIOUS REDEMPTION

CHAPTER 76: The Guilt Trip

~There are two kinds of guilt: the kind that drowns you until you're useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose. It's up to you to decide which one suits you best~

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Yasmeen

Ever Since my love for Ahmad died, My heart is like a hollow ledge, Holding a little pool, Left there by the tide, A little tepid pool, Drying inward from the edge.

Any way I slice reality it comes out poorly, and I feel an urge to not exist, something I have never felt before

But tomorrow I promise myself will be different, yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today. Just as today has been just a repetition of yesterday

I was buried in my thoughts when I remembered I needed to go to the vegetable market, I quickly got ready and set out for the market. I bought all the things I needed to make lunch

Unfortunately, I came back from the market and found our new neighbors car parked in my parking space, leaving me to wander around the block looking for a vacant parking space. I parked a few blocks away from our building, by the side of the road.

"I'm so gonna lodge a complaint against our new neighbor to whoever is in charge, she is always parking in my spot. I am tired of always having to walk a few blocks everyday to my house which has a parking spot that's meant for me right in front of it" I complained, as I placed all the things I have bought in their designated places

"Don't you dare. What's the big deal? I hate it when you make a big deal out of nothing, it's pathetic" Ahmad said bitterly. He startled me, because I never thought he had heard what I said

"Really?" I asked

"Yeah. she is new, I'm sure she meant no harm, it's just a parking spot not a passage way to paradise. You're just unbelievable" he told me

"But why should I be stressing myself just because someone chooses to be careless and disrespectful?" I asked, a bit irked by the fact that my husband is not taking my side

"Just park somewhere else and let the woman be, it's not like you don't need the exercise" he said

"I won't, I want my spot. By the way, Whose side are you on?" I asked, tilting my head to the side

"Clearly not yours, We will have serious problems if you do not drop it. But if you're that petty, let's go tell her to move the car politely" he said

"I think I have a better idea, instead of wasting my time and energy in walking to her house. I'd rather call the person in charge and lodge a complaint" I said, bringing out my phone from my bag

Ahmad marches toward me and wrenches me to my feet. He snatched my phone from my grasp and threw it away, he held me by the shoulders and shook me violently

For a moment we glared at each other, stubborn as cats on the stable wall, full of mutual resentment and something darker, the old sense between warriors that there is only really room in the world for one victory. The sense that every fight could be to the death

I was terrified by the fact that Ahmad is starting to become violent and In that instant, asking for a divorce didn't seem like a bad idea.

"Leave me alone, don't ever lay your hands on me again or I swear there will be consequences" I told him. I yank my arm from his grasp and walked away

Ahmad followed me, He forced me to come with him to the neighbors house and talk to her. While we were there, Ahmad told her she parked in my spot and then they flirted. She giggled and smiled and tried as much as possible to be seductive. It seems to have worked because Ahmad asked for her number and she gave it to him willingly. I figured that's the reason why he dragged me there in the first place,  is just so he could get her number.

When we returned home, I felt the need to stay as far away from Ahmad as possible until I cool off. I went out of the house to get some fresh air and of course my love letter.

I was about to pick my love note when I saw Ameenu, Ahmad's step brother. I froze in my tracks looking at him. He too, stood looking at me for a moment and it seemed to me that it was not a look of greeting after an absence, but the look of someone who had thought of me every day

He looked at me like I was the stars when all I had ever felt like ever since I came to this house was that dark nothingness. He looked at me like every glance made him need another, like I was air and he is dying to breathe

At the same time, in his eyes he had the look of the cat who inspires a desire to caress but loves no one, who never feels he must respond to the impulses he arouses

And his eyes, those crazy-ass eyes. They've got an "I've got my eyes on you" look to them. Brown as death and flickering with strabismal menace, he has the gaze of a soul-stealer.

I quickly looked away, embarrassed. I picked my letter and headed home. I opened it as soon as I entered my room and read.....

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Hey beautiful,

It's not your shape, your face, or your hair
that makes you beautiful. Neither is it the smoothness of your skin, the boldness when you stand or the perseverance in your heart. But the condition of your heart, your loyalty, understanding, unconditional love, shyness, innocence, the gratitude you live by and your love for God.

It was never the way you looked, it's always the way you are. I would have fallen in love with you with my eyes closed.

In case you haven't noticed, You are a deep woman, A deep universe to explore. you're sometimes very challenging, but you are life.

Move on, let go. If all of you is not enough for your husband, then let him have none of you and seek what he needed elsewhere. You can't keep choosing between yourself and him, chose you always. I am sure you have realized that It is really painful to have your heart broken by someone who you know does not deserve you.

Move on, let go. Just because you can't have the life you always wanted here, you shouldn't give up and fade out of existence. That's how we become living ghosts, by never moving on. By sticking around where we are no longer needed

Let go and Move on, Your sensuality is going to open up a world of deep encounters you've not yet even begun to imagine.

Wherever life may take me, I will see you in every wall, in every street, in every glass, in every person, in every wave of the sea and smile.

I think it's time we exchange numbers, this is my number:  +1 877 774-151 Send me a message on WhatsApp 😉

Love, Anonymous
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I was already in a good mood before I finished reading the letter. My love letters sometimes, perhaps most of the time, ignite something in me. They go to my deepest roots of heart and soul where nothing can reach, And I feel like a different being whenever I finish reading them. That's the power and enigma of my love notes

The idea of not being alone of having someone out there who sees me, same way I see the things that no one else around here can see, makes me feel like I'm real, he is real. Like I deserve to exist on this planet, in this house alongside everyone else. That there is still hope for me for a fresh start because there's someone else who wants me. It made me want more

When I read the last part of the letter, I risk a grin at the thought. Because there's a part of me that loves the idea.

I saved the number and sent a Hi on WhatsApp and waited eagerly for a reply. I convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong for Ahmad has done the same with so many girls and our new neighbor earlier today

Though as a principle, cheating was off-limits, but it scared the shit out of me that it could be where I was heading. Why? Not because I was consciously thinking of finding someone new, or that I have hope for my doomed marriage, or I've got anything to lose but because I had absolutely no clue where this is leading to

I can feel myself drowning in my guilt, but I am not ready to give this beautiful thing up. I guess this is going to be a really long guilt trip

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