OBLIVIOUS REDEMPTION

CHAPTER 63: To Wish Impossible Things

~When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope~

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Yasmeen:

Sadness has always been a part of me ever since I got married to Ahamad. Sadness hovers over my life and never leaves me. It knows all the places where I go to, And it finds me. Sometimes I do feel happy, And life looks beautiful. But these moments don't stay as long as I want them to. And sadness visits me all over again. I wear dark shades to hide my eyes.

But maybe, it would be different this time. I told myself when I got off the phone with Ahmad, he gave me a call at the office and told me he is bringing lunch for me today

He came to me a while later, He bought me a piece of meatpie and himself a chicken wrap. It wasn't much, it was a lot less expensive than his chicken wrap. But I appreciated it, it felt good to be cared for by your husband.

I know he does certain things out of guilt, I am sure he has done something horrible behind my back that's why he's bringing lunch. If it was the old me, I'll try to find out exactly what it was, but the new me didn't care. It was not worth it, it didn't matter.

The fact that he thought about me and he spent a penny on me meant something, it meant a lot to me. Or maybe I was just desperate, hanging on to the little shred of hope I had left for our doomed marriage, wishing for impossible things to happen

"How was work today" I asked, in an attempt to spark up a beautiful conversation while we ate our lunch in the car. But I noticed that Ahmad's attention was not on me, He didn't hear a word I have said. I looked at the direction he was looking at and I saw three ladies. He was busy looking at them

"Why are you looking at them?" I asked

"Why wouldn't I? I saw them come out of a Range Rover. I have to look, I have to feed my eyes" he replied, with desperate hungry eyes

I put a hand to his mouth, I have not touched him in months. It probably wouldn't be too much to say that I felt some of the darkness I was buried in by him lift at the touch of my fingertips against his lips.

"Just forget I asked you that question" I quickly said, in order to save myself from another disrespectful and degrading reply from him

We finished eating in silence and we both returned to our work places

Later that day, I told him I wanted oranges. Surprisingly, he bought it for me and brought it home after work. He didn't make a big deal out of it and he didn't start his usual lecture on how he's got so many things on his plate, how broke he really is and how demanding I am

And when I walked to his car and gave him a welcoming hug when he returned, he didn't back away, he didn't insult me. At first I thought it was because we had company, Ameenu who has also returned from work at the same time with Ahmad was watching us closely, but then I realized my husband was just being nice. I guess he has changed

My hope resurfaced. I decided to forget the past and all the bad things he had done to me and start afresh once more

After dinner, I took a shower and went to bed after telling Ahmad that I have a special surprise for him in the bedroom, which I thought would make him hurry to bed

I lay in bed waiting for him, but as much as I wanted him to come, he didn't. Can I be blamed for wanting a real body, to put my arms around? Without it I too am disembodied. I can hear my own heartbeat against the bedsprings, but there's something dead about it, something deserted.

When I got tired of waiting, I came into the living room where he was laying on the couch. But unfortunately, He was on a video call with a girl doing despicable things in the middle of the night using my ear phones. He was so into it that he didn't hear me come in

Devastated, I went back to bed. But then again, I thought maybe it wasn't his fault, maybe it's mine. If I had given him proper care and attention he wouldn't have followed that path

Ignoring the fact that I saw what I saw, I decided to give our relationship one more chance. I sprinted out of bed and went back to the living room. This time, he heard my movement. He was startled when he saw me, he struggled to end the video call while I sat silently on the couch he told me to be sitting in, which is as far away as possible from him.

"Your bedroom surprise is still waiting for you" I said softly, but no answer

Then I heard him hiss, he took his quilt and headed to his room. When I followed him, He went back to the living room. I followed him again but he lost his temper which I happen to find funny because I was the one who is supposed to be mad at him.

He threatened to lock me out, but he has no Tv in the room.

"You're lucky I don't have a tv in my room, But I will buy one and start locking myself in the room" he said bitterly

"Why would you do such a thing" I asked

"Because I don't want to be disturbed by you, I don't want you near me, you're such a pest. Just look at my friend who lives just nearby, his wife is a good wife, she always lets him rest, unlike you" he said

Ahmad has suddenly stopped being nice, he has gone back to being bitter and resentful. And the little shred of hope I had left was trashed

I always knew that something always went wrong, and the relationship always ends precisely at the moment when I was sure that this was the person with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. After a long time, I came to the conclusion that Ahmad or maybe men brought only pain, frustration, suffering and a sense of time dragging.

Ahmad does something to me, Every time. It's his only detriment. He steps on my heart, He makes me cry. I resent the way in which he walks in and out of my heart as if it was his own flat

He pierced my soul. I am half agony, Half hope. Those precious feelings are gone for ever, The sounds I heard bouncing off the walls around me were those of defeat.

It was like I had known all along that the sky was going to fall and then it fell and I pretended to be surprised when it did

Wishing to save my doomed marriage is like wishing for impossible things to happen, there is no point trying

The shock of reality hit me so hard that my knees buckled and I crumbled to the floor in a heap. I didn't know for how long I cried for, but when my face was finally dry, the clock read 2:00am when I dozed off

I woke up at 3am and stood by the window, looking somewhere far away from everyone and everything. My eyes were lost in the tiny infinity between my body and the sky

I realized that nothing had changed, I was the stupid one again. I was the girl who never understood who she was to Ahmad

I loved him, But he didn't know how to love.
He could talk about love, He could not see love and not feel love, and he couldn't give love.

I wanted his heart, but I knew at the back of my mind that I couldn't have it. So I attempted to get what I could get, Temporary bliss. Passionate highs and lows. But all I got was withdrawal, rejection and manipulation.

Like dying cells of beatless hearts, I'm cold.
I wasted months in promised lands that has long been sold to someone else

I decided to stay in bed until noon. Maybe by then half the world would be dead and it would only be half as hard to take.

Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.

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