Teen girl, Chanel struggling after losing the two most important people In her life, her brother and Father. Stuck with an abusive mother driving her insane. Using drugs heavily. Stripping with her cousin to make any amount of money possible to skip...
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Everyone at some age or point in their life decides they want to be loved by someone. Everyone wants a happy ending with a partner. Weather it's, toxic, painful, or even fucking perfect at the end of the day they just want someone.Everyone is a afraid to be alone. Even if they don't believe in love or just don't want it, they will eventually settle for somebody at the end of the day. And for the ones that really do want love, it's always harder for them to find love. That's because the simulation of life wants you to not earn what you want but to suffer before getting it. Either way you'll get it.
I was 14 when I made the decision that I wanted to be loved and taken care of by someone. And at the age of 15, I had so much forelsket for Lewis Hudson, a guy I dated, I didn't realize how much he was really hurting me. He was six years older and when I did see he was hurting me, I didn't have enough willpower to leave and let go of him. But I quickly did start suffering from anagapesis. It's when you no longer feel any affection for someone you once loved. I just never gained the courage to leave because I wanted to have someone to love until I died. So I waited till he left me.
It's an absolute shitty feeling to love someone so much that you absolutely hate them for leaving you. Even before they've gone. And that feeling made me feel so much that I started feeling nothing. This is why I no longer care for love. I came into this world alone, and I'm not afraid to leave it alone either. Things people don't tell you about drugs is that it's all really, delusions of things and people being more beautiful than they really are. Drugs cover it all, even love. Lewis was the basis of why I started using. I was never using drugs like I am now, but it was enough to hide from reality. My addiction got worse when my dad and brother died.
I started taking more, and more until I would black out for days, but still have motivation. Meaning I had no idea what was going on. I was almost brain dead but my body was alive and kept moving without its leader, the brain. But the brain has a leader too, you. When you can't control your brain and your brain is telling you what to do. Just know your completely fucked. I know I'm most definitely fucked.
I think the worst part of depression is the way it numbs you. It numbs you so much to the point physical pain isn't pain anymore. And all your mind wants to do is test how much pain your skin can take before it actually starts to hurt again. But when your depressed, you won't feel the pain, until your one long ass second away from dying.
That's why the number one cause of death, is suicide. I know I said I wanted a reason to stop using drugs and someone to stop for, but honestly I want to be that person. Because nobody has me like I have myself. I have such a scarlet heart, but it's frozen over and is within millions of tall secure walls. And I'm the only one that understands why. And I wish I didn't have so much alexithymia, so I could explain further more but I can't.
"Going to feed the fish, again?" Jen asked me. "Yes ma'am" I said with a smile for her. "You know it's 4 in the morning right?" I looked at her through slant eyes. "Inability to sleep. I'm pretty sure that's the definition of Insomnia." I told her. "Fine, I love you and please be careful." I walked out holding the food she gave me. "I love you more."
On my way to the abandoned pond again I stopped by Jen, and got fresh bread for the fish. Last time I didn't bring anything. As I walked over I realized it had stopped raining. I was disappointed, the rain would usually help make my walks more peaceful. I almost felt paranoid to be walking without the rain. When I got to the underground station, I realized the door was wide open. I thought it was just the wind and pushed the thought to the back of my head. I walked in and pushed the door shut behind me, and kicked my shoes to the side. I lifted the joggers I was wearing to below my knees.
As I got to the corner before seeing the pond, I heard a soft whistling. "I'm to fucking high for this shit." I said to myself. I slowed down my pace trying my best not to make a sound. As I peaked out to see who was there, I didn't get to see the person's face. It was clear that it was a man by his tall stance. He had tattoos covering his neck and wrist. I couldn't tell if he had anymore because of the long hoodie he wore under a jean jacket.
He was feeding and whistling to the fish. But I think he felt my presence behind him cuz he stopped and slowly started looking back. I stepped back behind the wall and tried to walk away. The Fish were being fed so there was no need for me to be there. One thing about drugs is the uncontrollable breathing. Fucks sake it sounded as if I just got done running track. I covered my mouth and quickly stepped away.
I heard the whistling once again and thought he completely ignored me. But it's as if the more steps I take away from the pond the closer the peaceful sound would get. I tried quickly turning around but of course I tripped on my own foot.
It's like time collapsed as I started to fall. I wasn't even half way to the floor when I felt an arm wrap around my waist and pull me close to a tall body. My stomach fluttered.
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Butterflies um yes lmao, finally a cliff hanger for yall. I love you <3 stay safe
