Teen girl, Chanel struggling after losing the two most important people In her life, her brother and Father. Stuck with an abusive mother driving her insane. Using drugs heavily. Stripping with her cousin to make any amount of money possible to skip...
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Currently it's 9:58 and I'm keeping my promise to Valentina, so here I am sitting on wet ass grass waiting for my sponsor. My sponsor and I were cool. He never really helped with anything really. But I guess it's kind of my fault cause he thinks I'm 126 days sober. I've been able to hide the fact that I'm using. But with the bullshit I took yesterday morning, I think I may get caught.
I was still very fucking intoxicated, and could hardly keep my eyes open. My tongue tasted sweet. Whatever the fuck I was smelling was total dog shit. And the cherry on top was the fact, I could hear 2 times what I could normally hear. I fucking hate N-diisoproply-5-methoxtytryptamine, but I also I'm in love with it.
As I started laughing away to myself and dozing off into my own world. I saw a young girl, maybe in her mid 20s, call out my name. I thought it was another vision from the drug, until she came up to me. She asked if I was Chanel, and when I answered with a yes, she shook my hand and greeted me. Taking a seat on the wet grass right in front of me.
"Sorry, do I know you?" I tried my best not to sound rude. "I'm your sponsor. Charlotte." She was all happy and giddy which I hated. "I'm pretty sure my sponsor is a dude." I said sarcastically, slurring over my words a bit. "Right, Mr. Gold is in the hospital and asked for me to take his place in sponsoring you tonight." She explained nicely.
"Well I'm 126 days sober, so can we cut this short?" I really want out of here. "Your ...sober?" She looked at me surprised as she raised an eyebrow. "That's what I said." She sat back. " Are you nervous about seeing me here?" There was a bit of a pause before I answered that.
"Nope, why?" I told her, trying to brush it off. "By the tapping of your foot, heavy breathing, and constantly looking around us. You seem paranoid, Chanel." I had no idea I was doing all that until she stated it. Fuck. She can tell, I'm so high. I did my best not to create eye contact so she didn't see right through me but it seems she already did.
"I'll ask this time. Are you sober, Chanel?" I sighed. "No." Truthfully. "You want to do drugs so bad, but you can't be honest about using it? You can't own it. So why do something you can't be proud of?" She intertwined her fingers as I looked around. "I don't have to be proud of something to do it." I shrugged. "But why do it if you're not proud? Don't you want to be proud of yourself?" I laughed. How could I be proud of myself?
"Look, If you're here to get me to stop using, you're wasting your time." I told her. "Hey, you wanna use? Use. Ruin yourself, because if the drugs don't kill you soon, your mind will. Either way you'll be dead, and you'll be remembered as what, someone who didn't care enough to try. Someone who's selfish to herself?" There was a loud silence between us. She was right, there was no denying it. "Is taking drugs your way of trying?" She asked, tilting her head at me. I sat there and took her words like a knife through my heart. I wasn't trying at all. I was trying to let go easier, and faster. "I don't have a reason to try anyways."
"Why don't you try for your parents, siblings, or friends?" I scoffed. "My parents are dead, my older sibling is dead, and my friend is my drug dealer. I'm a stranger in a lost town." It was all the truth. "Then try for God, and yourself." A smile raised on her lips. "Let me ask you something. Can you show me God?" I asked, leaning in. "No, because God is within us." She kept her smile.
"Bullshit. That's complete and utter bullshit, because I'm pretty sure "God" doesn't want to be stuck with a 17 year old girl who takes drugs everyday, to bring her death day closer and closer." She put her hand on my knee, trying to comfort me. "Well somethings keeping you alive right now, so what is it?" I started letting my mind lose, my head was so full of it I wanted nothing but to let go. Charlottes messing with my mental state, and as shitty as it already is, she has it going down hill. I brought my legs up to my chest and laid my chin on my knees, trying to think. I've been doing my very best to take so much drugs and not care if I die, but it's like death is so fucking far. Almost as if it's running away from me.
"My purpose." I said. "Your purpose is keeping you here? What's your purpose, if I may ask." She pulled her hand away and moved to sit next to me. "I don't know yet. I haven't found it." Not that I'm sure I have one to be found. "Do you want to find it?" Do I?
"Maybe." I shrugged. "Do you want to stop using drugs?" I looked at her. "Not yet." And she nodded. "Why?" She asked. "Because I want to have a reason to stop. Something to stop for. Getting clean for myself isn't enough, because I'm not enough for myself." I listened as dog's barked not far from here and Charlotte kept talking to me. "Then be enough. Be so fucking enough that your the reason you get clean and live a better life. But let me tell you, life is a piece of shit. And your going to wanna relapse so fucking much. But if you become enough you'll stop yourself every time you want to take whatever you take."
I'm not ready for that, the world is ugly and I'm not ready to face it. "The thing about drugs is that it hides the truth, but Chanel, you're facing the world right now. And that's how you know it's disgusting and hideous." She continued as if she could read my mind. "My Dad and Brother died in a car accident 2 years back. And I've been going off the concept that "everything happens for a reason", but I'm not so sure if I believe that anymore."
I could feel the tears very slowly flowing down my face but not one emotion was shown. I closed my eyes pushing hair out of my face, trying my best to hold my composure. I was dying inside and the feeling was horrible. I wasn't lying when I said the world is disgusting. So if the world was this bad when I'm high and I actually feel ok, how bad would it be when I'm completely sober with nothing hidden behind pretty fucking walls of Cocaine.
"Make a reason for your father and brothers death. Make a purpose for not just them but for you too." She told me. "I would have to let go of me to do that, but I'm not ready for that either." I wiped my face. "You have a lifetime to get ready. Just don't cut your lifeline in half."
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