Resilience

15| Shut Up...Just Shut Up

My brain was so fuzzy, with disoriented thoughts running through my mind, rational thinking was out of the window and I felt a slew of emotions all at once.

Scared and regret overpowered among all of them.

I did regret my decision of running away but I needed to get away at the time. My emotions were killing me, and if I hadn't left, I would have undoubtedly hurt someone or myself.

But did I really over react?

I'm not sure but I didn't have any control over my actions. I was so preoccupied with fighting my terrors that I forgot about the reality and consequences of my decision.

Yes, I was reckless but I was also extremely terrified.

One word was all it took to trigger the most horrendous memories that I wanted nothing more than to stay the hell away from.

I was ashamed of myself that I was so weak and couldn't protect myself from that monster, not then, and not now even when he had left years ago.

How did I become so weak?

I began to panic once again, and within a second I was ready to jump out of the car to avoid any punishment, but I managed to calm down as I slowly breathed out, hoping it would calm my poor heart.

My train of thoughts was derailed when Alexander parked the car. Realising the car coming to halt made me grow anxious as I saw the house in view.

"Can I stay here?" I asked all of a sudden, causing Alexander to let out a soft chuckle.

I don't think he understood the desperation behind my voice.

"We can't do that princess, but I'll be there for you all the time ,okay?" Alexander tried to assure me but nothing of it calmed my chaotic nerves.

I might die today.

I may be exaggerating but I could seriously get hurt now that there are eight men to hurt me instead of one, and all of them appeared to be far more powerful and dangerous than John had ever been.

Yes, I'm going to die.

I can't breathe.

My thoughts were suffocating me and so were my emotions. I shouldn't have agreed to come here in the first place. I would have been better off on my own.

I found myself crying all over again, but at the same time I didn't like showing how weak I am to anyone.

I needed to pull myself together but the image of my beaten and battered body wasn't helping me a bit.

"Hey, hey, relax, I'm right here, now take a deep breath, that's it baby sis." I heard Alexander's soft voice and my panicked eyes scanned his concerned face.

Is he genuinely concerned or is it an act?

It was becoming extremely frustrating to question every single truth, every single person, and every single situation, but after so many years of doubting your existence, you had no choice but to become accustomed to questioning everything in your life.

I need to stop being so weak.

I'm strong, stronger than this.

And what if they hurt me,

I'll survive, somehow I always do.

And I'm already broken way beyond repair,

there isn't much left for them to break anyways.