to love someone else

Chapter 23: scar

After that night Aerin refused to talk to him about the scar, Legolas seemed different. Not angry with her or anything of the sort, for he still talked to her - though less - and he still showed that he cared. But he seemed distant, perhaps even hurt. And as time passed by, it bothered Aerin more and more, and she wanted to fix it. 

After three days of our pursuit, they came to a very steep slope, and at the foot of it lay five Orc corpses huddled together. ''These are not the Orcs that attacked us,'' Aerin noticed, and she was certain of it. ''Different tribe,'' agreed Aragorn. ''Yet slain they are...,'' mused Gimli. ''These foolish creatures oft fight amongst themselves,'' Legolas explained. ''Let us hope the hobbits suffered no harm from this,'' Aerin said.

Aerrin wondered how they were doing, if they were afraid, or what kind of things those wretched creatures were doing to them, or telling them, or making them do. It would leave her almost paralyzed at moments, the images inside her head. But she'd shake it off every time and try not to think about it. Needless was to dread before anything even happened. ''I see something,'' Legolas said once he stopped running. ''About twelve leagues away from this place. An eagle.''

''What do you mean?'' Aerin asked, wheezing. ''That would mean that they're moving at great speed,'' Aragorn explained, ''And not just at night, but daylight also.''

''But that's against their nature!'' Aerin exclaimed. ''What's driving them?''

''They must have caught our scent so they quickened their pace. We must hurry!'' Aragorn announced, before he started running full-pace again, and the rest followed. They ran, switching paces, all until nightfall; and they didn't stop then either until it became impossible to follow the tracks under such faint light of the moon. Legolas was keeping watch, far on the other side of our little camp. Yet again, the only thing that made him different from a statue was his hair and his cloak on the light wind. Aerin walked up next to him. ''I can't sleep any more, I'll keep watch.''

''Well, I cannot sleep either,'' he said, his eyes never leaving the fields ahead. They stood there in silence, and Aerin could see he wanted to ask her something - the way his jaw clenched a bit - but tried really hard to restrain himself. It wasn't long before he gave in. ''You've been crying,'' he only said. ''How do you know when you haven't even looked at me?'' She moved closer until she was sitting right next to him. ''I can feel,'' he said, and it was only then that his eyes found their way to her. ''Another nightmare?''

''No,'' Aerin said, ''Only a dream of too great a beauty.'' And he said nothing to that. And Aerin had never felt more grateful for not being asked questions. She had never valued him more. ''The scar.''Aerin started which almost startled him. ''Yes?''

''He was the first guy I ever fell in love with. Before Haldir... He gave me the scar.'' Aerin finished. Aerin had swallowed and gotten it out. And it felt oddly satisfying, a relief almost. Looking at Legolas, she could not even read his expression. There was surprise, and confusion, and wonder, and worry, and hurt, all mingled together. He was probably surprised she had told him so suddenly, and he was probably wondering about how it all happened. He could not manage to speak right away. ''I did not want you to think I don't trust you. Because I do,'' Aerin said quickly, ''I'm simply ashamed.''

''How?''

''A hot rod, straight from the forge fire.'' 

He scowled, and for a while Aerin saw nothing but hurt in his eyes, before anger joined it. She had grown to know him well enough to know that much, and to know he was feeling helpless at that moment. It's the one thing typical of Legolas - he always wished to help his friends, and when he couldn't, there was this odd mixture of hurt and anger in his eyes. He did not know what to say, and Aerin could not bare to look at him anymore, so she looked away while she spoke.

''I lied. Not about everything - he was a self-loathing man indeed, but we never parted ways,'' Aerin gulped, ''When he started growing more violent, I tried not to pay it much heed. I thought I loved him, so for the sake of the love, I endured his bad temper. But as time passed, it gradually became worse.'' Aerin paused to take a long breath. She would not cry and crumble. Not because of him. Not when she is surrounded by people who she cares about and who genuinely care about her; and not when she seems to be losing them one by one, time after time.

''One day it was no longer simply screaming and shouting, and pulling me by my arm occasionally. One day he just lost all control. I wasn't expecting it, really. I would've probably avoided the scar had I expected it.'' Aerin found a single tear fall down her face. "One day, he thought I was flirting with one of the guests at an inn. When I visited him at the forge, he became... mad. We started arguing, and he shouted, but I never even- I would have never expected of him to hit me.''

''I tried to explain it to him as he held my hands tight, but he wouldn't listen. He was absolutely mad. He pressed me face against the wall, my hands behind my back. And he was stronger. I may be a warrior, but without a weapon and with my hands tied, there's only so much I can do. He held me like that and called me awful things right into my ear before I felt it. The excruciating pain.''

''I managed to kick him between his legs, so he let go of his hold on me. I used the chance. I grabbed a sword. He fought back - he took that rod and an ax in his other hand and I had no idea what my chances of prevailing were, but at one point, my blade slashed him across his stomach. For a moment, he was stunned; he was still.... And then he fell and bled out.''

''There was blood on my dress and my face, and I- I took all of his coins, and I rushed back to my room, changed, took all my things,  rode away and put his body in the wood- to make it seem like he was killed by orcs." Aerin glanced at Legolas. His brows were still furrowed, worry and hurt and anger still there. He would have said something had he known what. His eyes fell on where her scar was, though it was covered by fabric. ''I did not wish to come near a city, Rivendell for quite a while,'' Aerin added, ''Camping under the stars alone was my life at the time. The worst was preventing the wound from festering, for I had had no treatment of it and I was surrounded by dirt. I had to use fire on it. I heated my own dagger.''

''Another reason why I don't trust anyone. Especially not men,'' Aerin explained finally, '' but- I kept meeting all these terrible men, and the one time I thought I had met someone different, he proved to be quite the opposite. He proved to be the worst.'' Aerin felt Legolas's hand on her shoulder, and he squeezed it tightly, and for a moment Aerin feared she'd give in and tear up. But she didn't. "A couple months later after leaving my home before the incident, I returned to Rivendell. To my family." Aerin paused. "My mother..." Tears flowed down her cheeks at just those words, "well you know what happened to her.. I was broken even more after that.. my father was starting to go mad so me and Arwen went to stay in Lothlorien with my grandparents and I then met Haldir a couple of weeks after that and my life hasn't been any better. He fixed me and for that I am incredibly grateful."

When his hand moved to her neck, and then down her side, Aerin was sure she shivered lightly. She wondered if he'd noticed, but before she could think, he was embracing her. His arms had encircled Aerin completely and she did not fight it. His embrace calmed her completely, and the warmth of his body was a pleasant change. The very smell of him soothed her, and the feel of the soft fabric of his tunic against her cheek too.

''He's no longer a threat,'' he said softly to Aerin, his lips somewhere in her hair, and she felt his voice vibrate right through her. Aerin could hear his heart beat stronger, and she knew he was feeling her own pain and anguish, as Elves do. For a moment, she felt guilty of it - of sharing this negative energy with him. ''I do not regret killing him,'' Aerin only replied. ''And you shouldn't.''

''If you hold me more tightly, I'll keep crying,'' she said.

''Then cry.''

''I don't want to cry. I never cry. I'm stronger than that.''

''You are strong. And that has nothing to do with tears,'' he said, moving one of his hands to where her tunic covered her scar, right below her ribcage. ''And this... - guy - has only made you even stronger.'' Aerin was certain he said that name with utter disgust. Hadn't she killed him, she was sure Legolas would have. ''I know,'' Aerin said.