Non Verbal

16

"Well, you're on a mission to go and do some shit so I am babysitting."

"Nice." I say, looking at her as she just watches me tiredly.

"I am fine." I sigh. "You don't need to come."

"I don't trust you and mum isn't back yet so... plus she'd be worried if-"

"She's always worried." I say standing up and she steps out the way for me.

"That's because you do scary shit."

"No I don't."

"You really wanna open this conversation up?"

She means the train tracks.

It was either I die or them so what was I supposed to do?

Jokes. I was just having a moment.

I have OCD, apparently.

But sadly it's not the type of OCD that makes me keep things clean and neat and tidy, not that that's any less severe, I am just saying I think I'd prefer that over this.

This shit. 

I get a thought. Okay, an intrusive thought. The thought is usually I see someone in danger, dying, or me um causing someone pain. Okay I know it sounds mental. I can't say it's not.

But basically what happens is that somehow my brain thinks I have the power to conjure up events just by imagining them. So for example, I will be walking, or sitting in class, literally minding my own fucking business and I will get an intrusive thought that my mum's in a fire.

She isn't, obviously, she isn't...

But then I think because I thought it... because it popped into my head- I sort of manifested it and then the next thing I know I need to do something to counter it, to make sure it doesn't happen.

This thing changes from week to week.

But it's like I have the ability to think bad things into happening and so I also have the ability to make sure they don't happen by doing the counteract.

It's hard to explain.

But at the moment, as long as I have the three crystals that Sutton's friend gave me, I am ok. Because the rough pink one represents Fran, the smooth white one my dad, the hard white one is my mum. So, if I can run my thumb over each texture then I can counter any bad thought I had, I know they are safe.

If I don't have them, then I have to make sure to touch things of similar texture in multiples of three until I get to the crystals, then I touch and I know my family are ok.

This ritual with the crystals I have right now is pretty innocent. If it was just this, then I could probably have kept it a secret better. Longer. Kept it under wraps. 

My family didn't know that the thoughts were back, that I had to do things to counter them again until the whole track situation.

I hadn't been bad with this in a year or so, they thought the last lot of therapy worked.

It did for a little bit. But I don't know what happened for it to get bad again.

I am working on it I guess. Like I am going to throw the stones away.

So what if my family dies? At least I'll inherit the houses, right?

Fuck.

God.

I guess I could sell them.  

"Rowan?" Fran sighs and I look up. "You keep disappearing? What were you thinking about?"