Sleeping with the Assistant

Chapter Twenty: My Fault

    I watch as Julia's casket is lowered into the ground. I look around to see who's here and I find it strange that her parents didn't come to say their final goodbyes. I see her older sister, Destiny, crying with her husband and kids. It's mainly her friends here, which is also strange. I feel a small hand slip in mine and I knew it was Jasmine. Julia's wish wasn't to bring her, but Jas refused since she wanted to comfort me, so we compromised. She was supposed to stay in the car and wait for this to be over.
"Jasmine I thought I told you to stay in the car," I whisper to her.
"I couldn't help it I'm sorry. I should be here to support you," she whispers back. Destiny glances at us, her face filled with rage.
"Joseph!" she calls.
"Destiny.."
"Why in the world would you bring your mistress to my sister's funeral? The woman you cheated on her with! Have you lost your mind?" Destiny scolds.
"Des, I told her to stay in the car. I didn't want her here at all," I assure.
"Get her out of here now," she growls.
"Go back to the car," I say.
"But—"
"Now." Jasmine sighs frustratedly but ultimately walks back. I can't believe her, she can't accept my one request for her not to show her face.
  "I'm so sorry Destiny," I apologize.
  "Save it. I kind of don't want you here either," she mumbles.
  "Then I'll leave." I grab JJ's hand and follow right behind Jasmine to the car.

   "Don't you think it's strange that Julia's family didn't show up?" I ask.
  "I guess so. Her sister was there," Jasmine answers.
  "Yeah, but Julia hated Destiny to the point where they stopped talking 12 years ago.
  "Well, you knew her better than anyone. Why would her sister, whom she despises, be invited to her funeral?"
  "I don't know. She didn't even want to invite Des to our wedding," I say. "Cody didn't even show up, and they dated."
  "I'm sure it's nothing. Why don't we go camping with the kids for a few days and get away from all of this," Jas suggests.
  "I don't know. I kind of want to be alone in the studio for a while," I say quietly.
  "If that's how you're going to handle the grief then so be it. Just don't overwork yourself, love." Jasmine kisses my cheek before helping JJ in his car seat. Is it my fault that Julia is gone?
—————————

"It's your fault."
"You killed me."
"Was it worth it?
"Our son will grow up without his mother thanks to you."
"You filthy spineless man."
"You're a cheater, a disgusting cheater."
"It's your fault!"

I jump out of bed with the cold sweats, panting for my life. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. I've been having these nightmares ever since the funeral, Julia's voice blaming me for everything, and at this point, I'm starting to believe that it's true.
"Baby, are you okay?" Jasmine mumbles.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be downstairs if you need me," I whisper. I get out of bed and tiptoe downstairs to the kitchen. I grab a water bottle and chug the cool liquid down quickly. I haven't gotten any sleep at all, and I'm starting to lose it. The only place where I can sleep is the studio, but I've left Jas all alone with kids for two weeks now and it's not fair. I really need to make it up to her somehow. Maybe when it heats up, I'll take her and the kids to the family cabin. A lovely getaway for us all. I know I've been a burden to her, but she's been standing by my side no matter what.

   "Joseph," I hear Jasmine murmur.
  "Aw babe, go back to bed," I tell her while she hugs me.
  "I can't," she mumbles in my chest.
  "Why not sweetness?"
  "We have to talk." She pulls away from my arms and sits at the dining room table with a concerned look on her face.
  "What's the matter?" I ask, sitting down next to her.
  "I'm worried about Joseph," she replies.
  "Why? I'm totally fine," I lie.
  "I know about your nightmares. They're about Julia aren't they?" she questions.
  "How do you know that?"
  "You talk in your sleep. You always apologize to Julia and she blames you for what happened to her."
  "I'm starting to think that it's actually my fault," I admit.
  "Let me tell you something, it's not your fault,  she refused to let you help her, she let her life spiral down instead of picking it back up, she chose to take drugs, and she chose to not get better for her son," Jasmine explains. "Was it shitty of us to have an affair? Yes, but life moves on whether you're sad or not and she chose to stay sad."
  "Wow, Jas. I suppose you're right. I tried my best to help her," I say.
  "You did. I understand she's the mother of your child, but you have to move on. You can't keep staying in the studio, it's not fair to me or the kids. You need to spend more time with your family," Jasmine insists.
  "You're right, that's why I've decided to take you and the kids to the cabin this weekend."
  "For real?"
  "Yes for real. I will give all three of you the attention you deserve," I beam. "I mean it"