Aaron Flex

What I Want

Me- "Thanks James, I really appreciate it."

James- "No problem honey, I'm always here for you."

James and I hang out for a bit when he says we should invite the boys over and figure things out. I message both of them and neither answer. James says to wait a few minutes but 30 minutes goes by and they still haven't answered. They don't want anything to do with me, which is fair because I really fucked things up. I wouldn't be surprised if they never wanted to see me again. We're about to give up when Trip answers.

Trip- "Aaron...I have always been there for you but I think you need some time alone...on your own for a bit."

James- "What the fuck does that mean? If anything you NEED someone to be here right now. I don't fucking understand guys."

Me- "I guess there's our answer."

James- "Give me the phone."

He rips the phone out of my hands and starts typing. I leap onto him and try to grab the phone but he arms are longer than mine and I can't reach. He finally gives me the phone after he's sent the text. I look down and my eyes widen.

The text

"Trip, I know you're pissed but I can't stop thinking about you. I know I fucked up but I need you. You've been there through everything and I know I don't deserve you but if you give me one more chance I promise you won't regret it."

Me- "What the fuck James..."

James- "What? It's what you're thinking."

Me- "He'll know it's not me, I would never say something like that."

James- "Or he'll think it's you and realize that you truly are lost without him. Then he'll come running to your aid."

Me- "I highly doubt that but ok."

Then suddenly my phone buzzes. Its Trip.

Trip- "I'm on my way..."

I freeze, I'm not that kind of person. I don't send desperate texts to bait people in, especially not the ones I love. I want to lock myself in my room and hide, dissappear. I can't have him thinking I can't handle myself. Trip is right, I need time to gather my thoughts.

James- "Now we wait"

15 minutes later Trip walks through the door. James has a shit eaten grin on his face and all I can do is just sit there and stare at Trip. I don't know how to have this conversation. I can't just say I agree with him after what James sent.

Trip- "Hello James, didn't realize you'd be here. Now that I think about it, that text did sound a little strange coming from Aaron."

James- "Personally I think it was very in character of Aaron."

Me- "James, would you mind going to the other room while we talk?"

I look over to James and he huffs as he gets up to go to the other room. I can't make eye contact with Trip. I feel as though he only sees me as a helpless child needing direction. That I need someone to protect me. I can feel his eyes burning into me waiting for a word, a single noise to come out of my mouth. Nothing feels like the right thing to say.
I've never had a hard time talking to Trip. It's always been easy, at least he always makes it feel easy. I'm always so comfortable around him yet right now I feel as if I'm next to a stranger.
Trip walks over to me and kneels down so that now our eyes are locked. His...beautiful eyes. Why have I never actually looked at his eyes? Before this moment if you'd have asked me what color his eyes are I wouldn't have been able to answer. Now that I see them I can tell you every sliver and speck of color in them. They...remind me of something. It all comes flooding back, the nightmares. This is not what I needed right now. I can't associate him with those memories, but it seems my brain has already started to.
I scream in pure terror as I try to get away from him. I feel the warm tears rush down my face. No, please, no. They way he's looking at me makes it all too real. For once he looks scared of me, concerned. He's never shown any other emotion than calm when I've freaked out like this. What is happening? I feel like my whole word is crashing down. I don't know who I am anymore, who anyone is anymore. Everything has been fucked from the start, everything. My whole life has been one fuck you. I've gotten no advantages in life, no happiness or love. The one time I do get close it gets ripped right out of my hands and leaves me to get tortured. Fuck everybody who says everything happens for a reason. What reason could there possibly be for my whole life to crumble the minute I'm born?
I run to my room and lock the door before Trip can get in. I can feel as he shoves his whole body into the door. He knows, and I know he knows. He knows that I'm losing my shit and that I have things in my room that could end it all. What to choose? I have an emergency stash of heroine, plenty to OD with, I have a knife to either slash my wrists or slit my throat. We all know I'm not very good at the first. I also have a gun tucked away in my closet, he doesn't know about that one. I want to take the heroine but I don't know if I can leave Trip like that, it would be nice to go out in a good way though. I grab the heroine and lay it out on my bed. Trip is still slamming his whole body into the door yelling at me to stop. I can barely make out his words through the fog of my mental breakdown. I pick up my turnaqet and prep my arm. I slap the crease of my elbow to try and get a vein, nothing. I can't seem to get a good enough vein to show. Of course this would happen right now, years of using with no problems and this is when it starts.
I finally find a vein worthy of my last dose and slowly insert the needle in my arm. Didn't even make it long enough to enjoy being sober, I had to be mentally ill and self sabotage everything. I shouldn't be surprised at this point, I do it everytime. No one will be surprised, just Aaron being Aaron. I slowly inject the sweet toxicity into my veins, feeling the rush of release. Everything fades away, the banging, the screaming, the tears. I get to a point where I don't even remember why I was crying. My vision starts to fade when Trip and James burst through the door, it flies off its hinges and They come running to me. I can't hear the words they're speaking, I finally fade away.