Atlantis // DNF

Sight to see

🤲 take this earlier chapter because i love you

I pack my car and after tweeting that i won't be streaming today i can finally turn up the music and drive my car on the main road.

Dream and Sapnap don't ask where i'm going, they just talk about their plans in the background as i'm making my way down the road. It's their quiet mumbling in the background or maybe it's the music but it truly feels like summer and i feel my body relaxing in the car seat.

It's hot. It's humid and hot. It's also sunny and the music is loud, i should feel troubled but i smile and start quietly singing along to the radio.

I wonder if the pain will ever truly disappear, i wonder if i will ever feel fine again. I wonder how they do it. How are they fine? How is Dream fine?

I don't know what to really think anymore. It was something, it had to mean something, but it didn't. It did to me, it did so much. How can it mean nothing to him? The library, the walks, the conversations. The story and the blue. How can he not feel it?

Maybe i don't want him to feel it. Maybe it's alright how it is. Maybe i'm asking too much.

"George, you still there?"

I turn down the music before unmuting and answering.

"Hm? Yea. Where's Sapnap?"

"He went to get food."

It's comfortable silence and i wish i could just go back in time and enjoy it. Right now i can't, because we're quiet when i have so much to say.

"Where are you going?"

"To the beach."

"You live next to the beach."

I do. I do, but i want to see more of it.

"I know."

He doesn't say anything more. He just turns on music in the background and edits a video, without saying a word.

It's early in the morning and i have a long way to go. I don't mind, Sapnap and Dream in the background make it all better.

The sudden rain somewhere in middle of the road trip makes me stop on the side of the road and even though it'll get my car wet, i turn on the music and dance in the rain while Sapnap screams for me to get back and Dream wheezes like a mad man.

After 6 hours i stop my car in Penwith Heritage Coast. It's raining again but i disconnected my phone from the car's radio and make my way to the edge of a cliff. Sapnap is long asleep and Dream is barely talking anymore.

"George?"

"Yea?"

"You closed the car door."

"I'm here."

"Where?"

"Home. Dream, i'll call you back ok?"

"Ok?"

I feel my legs bend and i'm sitting in the grass on top of the cliff, it's wet and the waves are loudly crashing in the rock wall but it's so god damn blue and so, so calming. My hair is a little wet and i'm a little cold but it's so worth it.

I stare straight in the blue water and the blue sky meets it in the middle. I wonder if this is what Dream sees the world like. So colourful. So pretty. Kinda loud, but happy.

He's so far away, on the other side. Maybe even further. A little to the side. It's blue, it's all so blue but i feel like i can almost see him. Like i can make out a distant shape of a land and a small person standing on the edge of it. I can almost make out his body shape and blond hair. I can almost see his face, but not quite. I can almost see him waiting for me.

"George?"

"How far are you from the beach?"

"What do you mean?"

"How long would it take you to get to the beach?"

"Not too long i guess. Why?"

"Can you go there?"

"Now?"

"Can you?"

"Well if i go to the Palm Coast it would take a little more than an hour. I promised to stream tonight. I don't know how long i would be there and i have to get back too."

"Oh."

It's silent again and i almost forget that he's still on the phone because the waves make up for all the wasted sound.

"How long are you going to be there? I could go tomorrow."

"I don't know. I'll stay here. Then tomorrow."

"Ok."

And i wonder how he can just do that. Why doesn't he ask questions, why doesn't he complain? Why does he trust me like this?

I watch the sunset on my cars roof as the waves calm down a little and the music playing in my car is more clear. The Atlantis sounds so good, even better now. I pick up a few flowers from next to my car and pick their petals playing a game.

Loves-doesn't-loves-doesn't

I watch as daisies petals drop on my roof as the sun paints everything golden and i think about Dream as i drop the last one. I think about the first time we talked and the first time we played together. I think about our first stream and i think about his voice. I think about how much he has changed, how much he has grown. I think about how much i have changed. How much my life has changed.

How much i want him to be here and how much i want to put the daisies in his hair just so he shakes them all out. How much i want to just love him, with no borders and no limits. How much i want to give him everything of me, show him the parts i keep hidden.

I think about how much i want run my finger along his face and know that it's mine. How much i want to hold his hand and know that it's mine too. How much i want to kiss his lips and know it's mine. I think about how much i want him to be mine, mine, mine.

I want to be his. I want him to be here and watch me drop the last daisy petal on my cars roof in the sunset, on the top of the cliff, Atlantis playing in the background. And i want him to know that i'm his, his, his.

But i'm alone as i drop the last petal, i laugh but the waves hide the sound and i let the tear drop and the last petal follows.

Loves