Atlantis // DNF

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It takes him a second to calm down and that's enough time for me to just admire him. Admire the way that being underwater has brought him so much calmness.

I wish i could be mad, i wish i could be selfish, but right now i am not and i can't be mad because i love him so much that i couldn't care less.

It takes me a second to pull myself together and realise that he also couldn't care less, he doesn't love me like that and i might sound blue to him but blue doesn't mean love. I might be home to him but so is Sapnap. For all that i know, he might be going to the same library with him too and reading out loud for him too.

But for now i put it all down, i forget about it all for a second because George isn't crying about love, he isn't feeling down because of a heartbreak. In a way.

So i pick up every single one of his calls and my heart tingles because he's calling all the time and he calls to let me know everything. He calls to let me know that he is going to sleep or that he is eating breakfast. He calls to talk about a show he has just watched or a song he has just heard.

I hate myself for it. I'm trying, but i'm still so god damn selfish. George needs me not like that. And i'm only getting myself hurt, by hoping that he calls because of something more. And it's just purely not true. I hate myself. I hate being selfish.

It's about a week later. England is blooming in spring and i know it, George doesn't talk about it though. I don't push him to tell me about it either.

We've been talking to Sapnap a lot too and it feels so much like back then. When we all were alright.

"So i'm probably going to stream tomorrow instead." And he sounds alright too. He sounds happy and it makes me happy too.

"Sapnap?"

"Yea, Georgie?"

"Can i join you? I haven't streamed in so long and i have no idea how to get back into it but i miss it so much. It's completely alright if you don't want to though!"

"No, no! I would love that! That sounds awesome George!"

and even though a week ago i would probably have felt jealous, right now i don't feel it. I feel proud, because George is getting better and i know that half of him is pretending, but some part of him does feel better.

George's POV

It's scary. I don't know what to wear, how to talk. I feel like i'm pressing the go live button for the first time. And i'm gonna be met with no one. I would deserve that. I left first.

This time my mom isn't here to tell me that it's alright and i miss her more than anything, but Sapnap calls me and makes sure that i'm still comfortable with doing it and i am. When he is there, i am.

And i might take a shot before hitting the button, but it's alright because it makes me feel better and i am not as nervous and even if i'm met with no one, i'll still be fine.

But i want to cry, because i am not met with no one and if anything, there are more people than when i left. My chat doesn't slow down and i hate crying so much but it just happens.

I wonder how i can have so many tears. It must be because of the peppermint tea.

That stream keeps going and i don't really stop. I had forgotten about how much of a home it is. I had forgotten how safe i feel there. It's nice to be home.

And i don't stop, partly because it feels nice, partly because i'm scared to loose it again. Partly, because it's an escape.

And it's lovely, because it makes time go faster and in matter of seconds it's summer and even though it's still raining often, i'm finally starting to leave my apartment in my free time.

It's July and the summer makes me feel brave. It makes me feel better. And that's why i talk to Tommy again and even though he's young, he's so god damn smart that he doesn't say that he feels sorry for me, he let's me know that he's there for me and that he's really happy i'm here.

And for once, i'm happy i'm here too.

And i talk to Wilbur, I talk to Eret and i talk to Niki. I talk to Karl and Quackity, i tell Tubbo and Bad. And it's alright, because they know me well and it's gentle, but not too much. It's caring.

I feel my life slowly coming back and as I slowly start cleaning my apartment, i feel the need to buy more blue pins.

"Hi, George."

And i thought i would hate it, but somehow i like the way that Dreams voice makes me shiver again. It's not quite the same because he's holding back and i can hear it, but it's coming back slowly.

"Hi."

"What are you doing today?"

"I'm going to stream later. I want to go for a walk now."

He's holding back again and i don't want him to do that anymore.

"Go ahead, Dream. Say it."

"Can i please come with you?"

"Of course."

It's sunny. It's hot outside but not too bad. And i love it. So with Dream in my right hand i make my way to the beach and we talk about everything on the way there.

I make my way down to the water until i'm standing in the sea and the water is rushing around my legs.

"You've gone all silent."

And i have, because i haven't been to the sea for so god damn long and it's just so, so blue. Wherever i look, from which even angle, it's blue. And it's lovely.

But something is missing. I've learned that being greedy ends in a one terrible night of fire and earthquakes, but i can't lie, something is missing.

"George?"

"I might not stream today."

"Why? You haven't taken a break in months. No wait, not that you can't, that sounds terrible, i'm happy you're taking a break-"

i cant help but laugh because Dream is such an idiot.

"I'll just shut up."

"no don't. It makes the blue more blue." and it doesn't make sense but it does to me and i hear him smiling and i know that he understands too.

It's like being home.