Atlantis // DNF

The kind that lasts

"I'm going to be outside your apartment in... ten minutes?"

"Ok, I'm gonna wait for you outside?"

"No, mom, i'm going to go inside. Wait for me there, ok?"

"Ok, baby. Drive safe!"

The drive to my mom's house still takes a while. This time the road is filled with people going to celebrate Christmas with their loved ones and the traffic makes it seem like i won't be home until midnight.

"Come on, it's just around the corner."

As i slowly mumble my way closer to my moms apartment i turn the music back on and by now i have listened to this song over one thousand times and i know every single note, every lyric and every pause.

It's in my heart, it's in my head
I never take back the things I said

And i sing along and i don't know how long i can take it anymore. It's a rollercoaster and even if it has calmed down a little, i still fill up the bathtub with cold water more often than warm and i still sit on my kitchen floor at night, listening to my sink running while tears on my cheeks do the same and i dig around the cabinet until i find the box of tea and i can finally breathe. And i make one more cup and i promise myself that this is the last one because the box is almost empty and this tea can't be replaced, even the one that has scented the library still doesn't compare.

It works better than any medicine i have ever tried. I need to be mindful.

My mom opens the door and i don't miss the way she seems a little older. I don't miss the way she seems a little less energetic but I pretend. I have learned to do that.

The drive back already feels like home. We talk about everything and i feel like i don't have to hold back a single word. I can just mumble and i can laugh, it feels great.

"Oh wow! George this looks amazing! Look what you have made here! It feels like home!" The apartment door is still open but i don't feel like i have to hurry up and close it as soon as I can, today i feel like i don't mind the two worlds saying hi to each other and wishing merry Christmas.

"Come, i have a gift for you."

It's late and world outside seems kind, it seems welcoming and i like the thought of that but my apartment feels even more like home, even better, even warmer. Maybe my mom carries home wherever she goes.

"George you didn't have to!"

"Come on mom, it's Christmas!"

I hand her over the softer blanket and the sweeter cookies and i turn on the TV. It takes two beeps to come from it until my sister smiles on the screen and her laugh warms up the whole room, the whole town seems to lighten up.

And when she says hi and i see the tears on her cheeks i don't hold back mine and my mom doesn't hold back her's either.

My apartment feels like home, it is home, but this, this is a home i can't decorate. This is a home i can't buy and i can't take a photo of. But it's the kind that lasts. The kind that leaves my stomach warm for the rest of the night and maybe the next year also.

And i feel myself laying back on the couch, my mom and my sister talk and cry and laugh and i can just sit back and admire. I admire how a laugh can bring so much happiness.

And as they talk i feel my phone vibrating against my leg and when i pick it up i feel myself smiling too.

"What are you waiting for? Go pick it up!"

My mom says, leaning over my shoulder to look at the screen.

"You don't mind?"

I look at my sister and she smiles.

"Go, go, go! I'm gonna talk with mom, wish them merry Christmas from us too!"

I get up from the couch and make my way to the dark hallway.

"Hi."

"Hi, Georgie!"

"Hey, Sapnap!"

"Merry Christmas! I hope you are having an amazing day!"

"I am, and i hope you too!"

I can almost hear him smiling and we stay silent for a second, i enjoy the ability to just talk to him, to just hear him breathing.

"Merry Christmas, Sap." it's a whisper and i can't help but smile too.

"I would like to talk to you longer but i have to get ready, i hope your stream goes well though. And say hi to your mom from me!"

"My mom and sister say hi too."

"Your sister is there??"

"We made a plan to call on facetime as a gift for mom. She hasn't seen her in a while."

"That's lovely, George. I love you!"

"I love you too!"

And i'm left standing in the hallway all alone again. I can hear my mom and sister laughing in the room, music is playing quietly and it smells like Christmas. I haven't felt this loved in a while and i wish i could share it. So i do.

I send a message in the smp group chat, thanking them all for everything and wishing them merry Christmas. In a few minutes there are multiple replies and everyone seems to be so filled with love that even Techno sends a short "Thank you. Merry Christmas :)" message and Tommy replies with 'thank you' to every single one of them.

I hope that Dream is happy. I hope that he is filled with love too. I hope that one day he can share some of it with me too.

I stand in the hallway and i breathe and it feels like world is underwater. Maybe i know what people mean when they say that Christmas have some type of magic around them.

Incoming call
Dream :)

I pick up the call and slide down the wall.

"Hi."

He's driving. I can hear music playing in the background and it doesn't even take me a second to know the song.

"Hi."

I smile and it's quiet but it's so lovely and i can't get enough of it.

"Merry Christmas, Georgie."