Nyctophilia

27

Nyctophilia's p.o.v.

I feel bad. I feel bad for not being okay. I feel like I'm overreacting to what I'm truly facing. I mean, the assault happened almost 5 years ago, why does it still affect me that bad? Perhaps it's because I can still feel the man's hand on my body perfectly. Perhaps it's because I can remember the pain it caused me. As much mentally as physically. That night destroyed me, but it was 5 years ago. Why do I even keep on caring? There's people in life who have it much harder than me and they aren't complaining about it. I was just raped. Just raped. My innocence got taken away from me against my will, but I'm not dying. So why am I crying about it?

Ending it all just seems so easy. I have the date fixed in my head, the way I'll do it, the last message I'll send. Everything is planned. Nobody nor anything can stop me or convince me to not do it. It's just it. I don't want to carry this weight anymore, I don't want to always be anxious anymore, I don't want to be bullied anymore. I'm just done. I'm done with this crappy life. I don't even feel like trying anymore. I don't want to. I don't want to ever feel happy again. It's not worth it anyway.

A sudden knock on my locked door brings me out of my dark thoughts. I wipe my fallen tears, not wanting anyone to know I'm crying. They'd call me weak. I don't want them to see I'm weak.

I get up from my bed, making my way to the door. I unlock it to turn the handle, revealing my dearest brother looking down at me.

"Dad wants to talk to you. He's in the kitchen." He tells me in a bored tone.

I nod to make him leave. He does and I quickly grab my phone with me before making my way to the kitchen. I arrived to see my dad making dinner. Just the smell of food makes me want to throw up. Let's just say I haven't been on a good diet since Thursday...

"You wanted to talk to me?" I ask him quietly.

His head raises up to look at me with a stern look. "Yes. Sit down; we need to have a little chat."

I do as he said and make my way to the island to sit on a bench. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Mostly you, but also that Aaron guy." I roll my eyes at this. Are we seriously having this talk? "Don't roll your eyes at me, young lady. You know how much I despise it. So, I know you're 17 and all, but I want to make sure you know what you're doing. Clay told me you guys kissed-"

"He told you what?!" I raise my voice. I knew Clay would snitch to my dad!

"He told me you kissed Aaron. Now, don't be mad at him because he only did what was right. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing if ever you guys were to or already had sexual relations-"

"Stop! Stop. We didn't have sex nor intend to. It was just a kiss and I ended whatever relationship we had." I cut him off, explaining the whole thing.

He sighs. "I don't care. I just want to make sure you know that 'no' is no and a guy cannot force you to do things you don't want to."

Ouch. That hurts. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you dad, but it's too late for this.

I hide my hurtful expression to change it to a serious one. "I know, dad. You don't have to worry about it."

He nods slowly, processing the information. "Alright, now the second subject which is also the one you'll hate the most..." He mumbles the last part. "I've noticed you stopped hanging out with your friends since a little while and I'm worried. You've spent all day inside your room, doing god knows what. I want you to get out a little bit and see some people. You seem sadder than I've seen you in a while and I don't know if it's because of Aaron or something else-"