Nyctophilia

21

Nyctophilia's p.o.v.
The 20th of December. That's the day. The day she died. The day everything became so much worse than it used to be. That day is today... except that it's 4 years later. It may have been years, yet it still feels like yesterday. It still feels like yesterday when I saw her breathe one last time before my dearest mother had passed away and wasn't one of us anymore.

Everything afterwards is a blur. I recall crying for days until one day I suddenly stopped. I felt numb, but went back to school. I almost failed my year until my dad had a talk with me. After that I started to ignore the fact that my mom had died, but at night I would cry for hours again. She was like a friend and a mom. She was both to me and it hurts to know I will never see her again. It hurts to know I'll never have those motherly hugs ever again or those afternoons where we used to cook together. I hate it.

So just like I did for the past years, I wake up around 5am to get dressed in a hoodie and joggers. I don't even take the time to eat anything that I take my phone, my earphones, put my converse on and walk out of the house.

I didn't even take the time to warn my dad. He must be used by it now.

I put my music on and start the 15 minutes walk to the cemetery where my mom's grave is.

I try not to cry as I want to keep my energy and tears for later.

God how I miss her. She was beautiful and so kind. She was always there for me even when she should've given up on me. She never lost faith in me. She always believed I was strong enough to get through whatever I was going through. I feel like the most horrible person in the world for never telling her about that night. I should've told her before she had the chance she died. It was a cancer, I knew she'd die, yet I didn't say a thing. I was way too scared that she'd tell my dad.

I hate myself for it. I just hate myself. I'm always doing the wrong things. Always. It seems as if I can't do one right thing in my life.

I sigh when I see the cemetery getting closer and closer. Here it comes.

I pass the metal gate that seems older than the cemetery itself before walking right to my mom's grave. I know where it is. I've been here so many times, I could find it with my eyes closed.

Once I'm right in front of it, I just totally fall on my knees while I read the four years old grave.

'Marie Lily Walker: loved by family and friends; 'til our hearts get reunited together in the afterlife.' Is what's written on it. The last part of the sentence also being the last words she heard coming from my dad. I was only able to whisper a 'I love you' that she returned with squeezing of my hand slightly. I know she heard it. I know she did.

"I'm so sorry, mommy." I choke out before breaking into sobs. It's harder than I remembered. I try not to come too much as every time I cry and I hate it. I feel weak in front of my own mother.

"I- I can talk, mom." I say in between cries with a small smile on my face. "I know you'd b- be proud of me about it. You somehow always were, even though I don't d- deserve it."

I take a deep breath to try and regain control of my emotions. Once I'm calmer, I look at the ground. "I made new friends. Impressive, right? They're mostly boys, but I think I like it better. They can't judge me like girls would do." I finish while wiping my tears away with the sleeve of my hoodie.

"First there's Dylan. He's sweet and he takes care of me all the time. I know y- you'd love him. He's just so silly and makes everyone laugh. Then there's Alexander. He's also Gabby's boyfriend. Well, I have no idea if it's official, but I know they like each other a lot. It helps Gab a lot as Tyler cheated on her. God I hate him for this." I laugh slightly at the thought. "Then I met some of the others at a mini-party last week. Yes, a party. I'm surprised by myself for going. Anyway, there's Ethan and Brooke. They're twins and probably the sweetest in all of them. Taylor she's more like Gabby. Kind of rude, but I'm used to it with Gabby. She doesn't necessarily mean it in a bad way. Liam is more like Dylan. The same goofy kind. Jack... he's a pain in the butt. I don't like him, but I can't hate him either because he's in Dylan's group friend."