Nyctophilia

03

I'm currently in Gabby's car on my way to my house. She's driving me back as it's currently been ten minutes since the day ended. I haven't "said" anything for the whole afternoon.

When the car stops in front of my house, Gabby finally says something. "Are you going to be ok, Nycto?"

"Fine. Don't worry about me. I'll text you if there's anything." She nods then I get out of the car. Without looking back, I get into my house. As dad said earlier, he's not here yet.

I decided to do my second most favourite thing in the world. I get a little snack, put it in my backpack, then leave the house in a hurry. I really need to distract myself, but the stars are not out yet so I need to wait. I might have the exact solution for this.

On this last thought, I start walking in the direction of the little woods near my house. I walk rather fast, wanting to get out of the street as soon as possible without looking suspicious. I enter the forest after a two minutes walk and then keep going for another two minutes between the trees.

A smile makes its way on my face when I finally see what I was looking for.

There, in front of me, is the cliff and waterfall I've known for years. It's really, really high. If anyone would jump, they probably would die. I only come here to clear my thoughts and get rid of reality for a while, but I do admit I've thought about jumping in the past. Every time I feel like ending it all I think about fighting a bit more. Maybe life has something for me. Maybe if I hold on for a little more then life will give me something to fight for. Maybe I do have a purpose in life.

I still haven't had anything to survive for except my friends and dad, but I don't think it's enough. I don't think it's enough for me to keep going like that for another year. That night has ruined me in ways people will never find out about. It has mentally shattered my own self. I'm not and probably will never be the same as I used to be.

Anyway, I sit on the edge of the rock, being careful not to slip and fall. Dying doesn't scare me. Missing out on something that could've saved me, scares me. What if that something brings me joy again? I don't want to die without at least being happy once since it happened.

I've never told anyone about it. Well, told in my own way by the way. I'm too scared they'll tell me it's nothing. I'm too scared they'll tell me "why are you making a big deal out of it. It's literally nothing." It wasn't nothing for my twelve years old self. Probably still wouldn't be for my age, but I still can't push myself to tell anyone. Fear is keeping me from doing so. And I hate it, but I also can't help it.

I take the chips from my backpack and slowly eat them, enjoying this moment of not having to care about anything. I shouldn't wander alone like this, but at this point I don't really care.

~§~

I am lost in my own thoughts, more like zoned out, when I hear footsteps behind me in the forest. My heart immediately skips a beat while panic starts to settle itself in my system and my grip on my pocket knife tightens. Crap.

I turn around to see who's there. Perhaps, it's Gabby or dad... but obviously me being my usual lucky self, none of them are there. No, instead it's that same guy from earlier standing maybe five feet away from me in the shadow of the trees. The one that almost made me wet my pants in front of the whole school.

I jump on my feet so quickly that I forget I'm on the edge of a very dangerous cliff. I almost lose my balance, but catch myself before I fall to an obvious death. The guy steps from the shadow and walks towards me slowly. I observe his features while he keeps the same steady and slow movement.