Chasing Air // Billie Eilish

Chapter 41

ELLIOT'S P.O.V

I jumped awake as my phone buzzed in my pocket. Another Billie text. I powered my phone off and set it down on the table beside the chair, sitting up and glancing around the hospital. I hated hospitals. I hated everything about them. The smell, the lights, the scrubs they all wear, the amount of emotional people—I hated it all. They reminded me of my mom.

I looked up as Jack made his way towards me. "What'd they say?"

He shrugged. "Nothing new."

"We still can't see her?"

"No."

"This is bullshit," I groaned, slouching down in my seat. "How long is it gonna take? It's been two days."

"I know." He sat down beside me. "Maybe you should go home for a bit."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look very fine."

I laughed dryly. "Do I ever?"

"Do you want me to get us some food?"

I shook my head. "I'm not really hungry."

"When's the last time you ate?"

"It doesn't matter."

It was quiet for a minute. "Still ignoring your friends?"

I rolled my eyes. "Stop asking questions. I'm not ignoring them. I'm just... not answering them."

"So you're ignoring them then."

"If I am then it's not your business."

"They're probably worried about you," he offered.

"They're fine." I sighed. "As soon as I figure out Gran's okay, I can go back, but for now, they're fine."

He shook his head at me, crossing his legs and looking the other way. "I think you should just go home for now."

He was being a little suspicious and I didn't like it. He went to check with the nurse every single time to see if there was an update on her and they didn't have one a single time. I decided to go ask about her myself. "Fine. I'll go home, but I'm just gonna go make sure one more time that they can't tell us anything."

"I got it." He stood up and I followed him. I swear to God if he's been lying to me this whole time. "I said I got it, Elliot."

"Shut up." I made my way to the front desk. "Hey, I was—"

"She's dead, Elliot!" Jack said quickly, pulling me away from the front desk. "She—she didn't make it."

"What? You're lying!" I turned to the lady, hoping to receive a different answer. She gave me a regretful shake of her head and I looked over at Jack again, just for confirmation. He reached out for a hug but I turned around and ran through the hospital doors. How could he just sit there and lie to me about that? I pulled the keys to my gran's car out of my pocket and looked around for a second, trying to remember where I parked. After finally spotting the car, I got in and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. She's dead.

She's dead.

She's gone. Forever.

That means she won't be back. Ever.

I don't know why, but that's always been the hardest part of death for me to accept. It never registered in my head that death meant I wouldn't see them again. That they would never talk to me again. There was a knock at the window and I sighed, rolling it down.

"What do you want, jackass?" I asked, looking out of the window at Jack.

"I know that you're already dealing with some shit, but you realize that you're in charge of your mom now, right? You gotta start paying for her to stay in the hospital or they're gonna let her go. You know how it is up there."

"I got it, Jack."

"Okay."

I drove to my grandmas house in silence. It reminded me of when Billie and I came to visit her. I should've came again. I should've stayed longer. I should've hung out with her more, and been more patient with her. I should've known. Fuck, I should've known. I said it myself. I said that I didn't know how much longer she had and then I took that shit for granted. I should've known.

I parked the car and then got out, making my way to the front door. "Shit," I mumbled, looking around. The entire house seemed unreal. It didn't exist without my gran. I sat down at the kitchen table and put my head in my hands, finally letting myself cry. I just couldn't catch a fucking break. And as bad as I really wanted Billie to just hug me and tell me it would be okay, I was mad at her. Maybe it was stupid, and maybe it was partially my fault, but she wouldn't even let me talk. And I got it, I did. I understood that Zoe had been her best friend forever, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

I shook my head at myself. And how was that what I was worrying about? My last sane family member had just died, and I was still worried about Billie? The fact of the matter was that Billie helped. Billie made pretty much all of my pain go away, even when she was the cause of it.

Instead of Billie though, I powered my phone back on and called Claudia.