Hidden Feelings

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Aaron's POV

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Aaron's POV

The concept of ever loving again had always scared me. Haley was the only woman I ever imagined myself being with- we had our problems, but the love I had for her was so immense that I never thought that anything could compare to it. Her and Jack- they were my world.

And then my world ended.

I've lost people in the past. Honestly- I've lost everybody in the past. But Haley... she was different. Sure, I had lost her already when she divorced me, but just knowing she was there was enough. Or at least, it was enough most of the time. She was my everything, and now I had nothing.

No- that wasn't true. I had Jack. If I didn't, I honestly don't know if I could have survived. Jack was my everything, and when my world turns it's only because of him. He is the person that I love most in the world, and so when I started to fall for Y/N it scared me. No. Terrified... But it seemed to be worth it because of how happy she made me feel.

And then Kate died.

Kate died and everything that I felt after losing Haley came rushing back. The helplessness; the fear; the knowledge that I could have done something to stop it and I didn't. I can't lose someone again- not like that.

I'm not strong enough.

I pretend to be... But I'm not.

People say that I'm a robot. I never smile- never laugh. I suppose sometimes it just hurts too much. After all I've lost, sometimes there doesn't seem like there could ever be a good enough reason to smile again. And then Y/N changed that... but I let her go because I couldn't face the fear.

So I pushed her away. I kept her at arms length. I was terrified beyond belief that I couldn't protect her- just like I couldn't protect Haley. I had lost the woman that I loved once before, and I didn't want to ever have to do it again. So I stopped myself before I could properly fall. I held her at arms length and watched as she walked away from me. And right into his arms.

I just stood back and watched as she fell for someone else. I stood back and watched as she smiled at him the way she was supposed to be smiling at me. As he made her laugh like I should. As he held her hand and comforted her after a bad case like I had dreamed about doing so many times before.

I love Derek- I love all of my team like my own family. But in that moment, I hated him. I hated myself for being too weak- for letting her walk away. But I didn't hate Y/N. I never could.

I was the one that pushed her away. This was my fault. I had no right to be angry- I knew that. But I couldn't help it. Not when she was with him when all I wanted was for her to be with me.

I was rude and unfair and unkind- I was all of the things that I taught Jack not to be. But, more than anything, I was afraid. Too afraid having my heart broken again that I'd rather never take the leap. If you don't let people in then they can't hurt you. And if they can't hurt you, then you won't break.

But it was too late. I had already let her in. I had started to fall from her from the minute I saw her sat there across the bar, smiling and joking happily with the bartender like she didn't have a care in the world.

She made me happy. But I could never make her happy. I couldn't rely on myself to protect her. Maybe Derek could. Maybe he could do better then me.

Maybe...

Or maybe not.

Either way, sitting alone by choice hurts a heck of a lot less then sitting alone by necessity. By being forced to be alone.

I have Jack. He's all I'll ever need. Or, at least, that's what I tell myself.

It doesn't take a profiler to know that that's not true.

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