TOUCH ME || JJK

27 | Dark Dust

It has been one and a half weeks since I last saw her. Whenever I was sitting on my couch or standing in the kitchen, I expected her to open the door to my apartment at any second. After this much time passed, I knew that she wasn't going to come back easily. I always had to remind myself that she wasn't even mine in the first place but it still hurt deeply. She left me there for a reason and I knew exactly why. My words really hurt her – I didn't even try to assume why they seemed to hit a spot because the most important thing was just that I hurt her. In the end it doesn't matter what I said or how I said it.

For the past week I had been thinking about what I could do to gain her trust back. Slowly I came to the realization that maybe that shouldn't even be my goal. Wasn't it more important that she knew that I was deeply sorry for the things I said that night? In the end, she had a decision to make – would she accept my apology, or would she ignore it? I didn't have any say in this but I knew that I had to do my part and apologize.

It was late at night and the words I wrote down on my 27th piece of paper just didn't seem to fit. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what to say. By now she probably already knew that I was sorry – we knew each other that well.

I ended up going with easy words that didn't demand anything from her. I wanted her to know that she had all the time in the world and I would respect her decision no matter what. Even if it probably scarred me for the rest of my life if she rejected my attempt at an apology, I would have to live with it. I wanted her to be happy, whether that be with or without me.

Your POV

Dearest Y/n

I know that this – something that has to do with me – is probably the last thing you want to see. With this letter I want to let you know that I am sincerely sorry for the things I've said and the words I've used that hurt you. It wasn't my intention. Me assuming things about you and then holding them against you isn't right and I know that now. Also, I should've told you about the kiss we shared. I was shy at first and as time passed, didn't know how to talk about it without it being weird. Looking back, I realize that these were stupid thoughts. I know I can/could talk to you about anything, so I was just a coward for not initiating a conversation about this. I want you to know once again that I'm very deeply sorry for the distress I caused you.

My nights have been restless...

I shut my eyes tightly to let the tears wet my cheeks. I didn't want to read further, I couldn't. I wasn't capable of receiving good things, I didn't deserve it.

When my dad pulled the door open a crack and slipped in the letter, I let it lay there on the floor for four days straight. I wasn't in the mood to shower, wasn't in the mood to eat, wasn't even in the mood to live, really. Grief and sadness came crashing over me like waves, sometimes at night, sometimes right after I woke up. It seemed as though everything I suppressed since the day that my mom and brother were no longer part of this family came back again. I had never felt such intense pain before in my life and realized that I hadn't processed their deaths at all. Spending time with Jungkook and his friends was a way of deceiving myself. I desperately wanted to be happy, to feel like before, when I didn't have a care in the world.

Part of why I was so angry at Jungkook was because I saw some of the truth in his words. Maybe that was also why they seemed to hurt more. Someone who I adored so dearly was confronting me with things I should've confronted myself with a long time ago and I couldn't handle it. I was too weak for it.