Thawing Prachaya's Frozen Heart

Chapter Eleven

Why do we need to struggle? Even after knowing that we’re going to die anyway. Why most people have the urge to emerge at the other side of the tunnel, victorious? Why do we keep moving forward?

I am an 18 years old college student, who for the past moments of his life, do not even know why he is alive. Before I could ponder to the answer of my own purpose, I was pushed into a society who demands success. So I need to study hard, get to college, find a job and be successful.

I need to struggle every day because I need to be successful. However, I wonder if being successful will truly make me happy. I grew up in a household where mental illness is related to possessions. My parents only believe that the only illnesses that can be treated medically are diseases.

As their children, we know that they do not believe that mental illness is true. That like lung cancer, it can be treated medically too, that mental health is equally important for a human person to maintain equilibrium.

In so, I grew up pretending I was okay, that I was not broken.
I pretended that I’m a functional member of the household who laughs, eat, watch tv, or a part of a circle who enjoys going out a lot. I never told them that it wasn’t easy living, that waking up and going out of bed is hard. I never spoke of how many nights I stayed awake overthinking, or when the time I stared at the kitchen knife wondering if the pain can make me feel alive.

Seeking help without support from loved ones was hard, but I did it anyway. In some days, I also wanted to live. And so without asking why I needed to be alive, why I am struggling this hard just to continue living, I leave all the questions behind, and step out of my mess up self and bravely created a better version of who I am. I may be broken pieces put together, but still alive.

I attended therapies without my family knowing, I took medicines to relieve the symptoms so I could function well. Until, I realized that I am no longer pretending that I am okay.

And here I am, I survive each day, just one step at a time. And yet, when I look at P’singto, I felt helpless. Seeing someone you value struggling so hard makes this pain ten times excruciating than it should have. I’ve been through the darkest moments of my life, alone.

However this is the first time that I felt this kind of pain. His struggles are similar yet different from mine; my situation is nowhere near close to what he had experience. We move in different frequencies and yet, we are all broken.

Due to this, I felt the need to be someone he can rely on. Because I know more than anyone else how it feels to be alone. I want to become someone who can accompany him to the end of the tunnel, so he too, can emerge victorious.

“….ist? Krist? Hey!” I jolted from my thoughts when Ice touches my shoulder. I look up completely confuse and I realized that it is the end of the lecture already. Man! I was out of it most of the time. Krist get it together!

I slap my face hard, that my remaining classmates look back to me confuse.

“Oyy you okay?” Gunsmile touch my head.
“I think he is hungry, let’s go I’m starving too” Off drag Oat with him. Gunsmile gave me an encouraging nod and proceeded to follow our friends.

“Krist?” I look back to Ice still beside me.
“you can tell me what’s bothering you anytime, okay?” He gives me a gentle tap. I appreciated the gesture. “Thank you, but I’m okay”

At the cafeteria, I am still wondering how I can help P’sing. I stared hard at the food while everyone began eating. Ice nudged me and gestures for me to start eating too. I nod and dig in.

“Guys I have niece who do not want to go to the dentist, but her mom is complaining about her teeth cavities to me. Like seriously what would I know about cavities? If it is me, I’ll just drag her” off shared his sentiments us I half-heartedly listened to it.

“Sounds like you! You’ll be a bad parent I can tell” Gunsmile commented, we all chuckles.

“But I think forcing him is not good idea either” the serious voice of ice interrupted the teasing atmosphere.
His sentence caught my interest, so I ask why.

“People, who forced others to do something they do not want to, should not expect a good result. If they do not want to do it in the first place, they would not do it no matter what.
so if you pushed them suddenly, they will just harden themselves. Put on more guard, increase their stubbornness, or worse create troubles for others just because they want to avoid that situation”

“And come to think of it, no one wants to be feeling like a cornered mouse. If it were me, I will probably hate the person who’s responsible for that even more” Ice finishes his insights, and I let it all inside.

So the decision to forced P’singto to take the counseling will have a low rate of success. And worse, it might backfire to Por. But what should we do, P’singto do not want the treatment and will not seek it himself.

“Ice? What if the person is really reluctant to seek help? What if he thinks he doesn’t have any problems?”

“Hmm then let them realize that they needed help.”

“Ahh I know! I should tell my sister to let him watch something, you know related to teeth cavities and how can it really hurt.” Off suddenly exclaimed

“Woow! Surprisingly, you’ve got a brain” Oat teased.
But that doesn’t solve mine. How can I make P’Singto realized that he has a problem?

This question lingered in my mind throughout the day, I want to talk about it to por but since I cannot come up with an alternative, I hesitated, until it is time for me and P’singto to go to our hometown. Maybe, while there I could come up with something.

TBC

A/N: Krist stating that he suffered from mental illness is not random. He express (a little bit) about it in chapter 9.