83 nights

Absence of the Sun

Except it took all the energy she had to get out of her bed and go downstairs, but she had to. She wanted that cigarette.

She went outside, slowly, carefully. She was so used to laying down that standing up made her dizzy. Her body was weak, her thin legs begging for something to lean on.

She had to get to that cigarette.

As she walked outside, the gloomy, crisp air hit her face. It felt nice.

The car was parked on the sidewalk though. She gathered up the courage to walk, but the cold sweat started covering her body, her mouth getting dry.

She tried to get to the car, but her vision was getting blurry. So she collapsed. She bent her knees and sat down on the sidewalk, gasping for air. She closed her eyes and tried to walk herself through her breathing.

That's when she felt someone sit next to her. She looked over desperately hoping for it to be Jonah. To her frustration, it was a mini, girl version of him.

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked softly.

Annika ignored the little girl. She closed her eyes again and buried her face in her hands.

"You look terrible." Meredith added.

Annika was silent still.

"I asked you not to hurt him." Meredith said. "And you hurt him anyway."

Silence.

"He doesn't come out of his room. He's sad. He's always sad. Jonah was never sad." Meredith looked down on her tiny feet, her mouth turning into a frown.

"Did he hurt you too? Because you seem sad too." Meredith said and Annika scoffed.

That was the most emotion she had expressed other than sadness.

"He hurt me too." Annika said quietly, looking up.

"He did?" Meredith asked.

"Oh yes." Annika nodded. "Many times. But this time... it's all me." She bit her bottom lip, trying to keep herself from crying.

"Fix it." Meredith said. "Make him happy again. I want my brother back."

Annika looked at her with a blank stare before Meredith stormed back into her house.

Annika began to sob, quietly.

Oh Meredith, if only you knew how much she wished it was that easy...

She wanted to make him laugh again, make him smile again, kiss him, hold him, even fight with him...

But she couldn't.

They've broken up many times. But this time it was different. He meant it, she knew he did. That's why it was so painful.

She sat on the sidewalk, drained of energy. She couldn't get up. So she sat there, eventually even fell asleep.

She was sleeping on her driveway and no one had noticed her, until Jonah came out of the house to take the garbage out. He saw her and quickly rushed over, checking to see if she was okay.

Seeing that she was just asleep, he quietly picked her up and took her inside. He tucked her in without waking her up and looked around the room. Tissues scattered everywhere along with her clothes, the room all hot and heavy...

He took a bin and put all the trash in. He threw her clothes in a laundry bag, went downstairs and put them in a washing machine. He went back upstairs and opened her window a little to freshen the place up.

Then he stood in the doorway, looking at her while she slept peacefully.

It hurt to see her like this. In a way he knew. He would text Kate every day and ask her how Annika was doing. He asked if she ate, if she showered, if she slept. He made her swear not to tell Annika though.

He wanted to help her, like he always does, but he couldn't get over it. It wasn't his ego. It was his trauma. Jonah had a history of people betraying his trust and going behind his back. He wanted to forgive her, but he didn't have it in his heart to. Not yet anyway.

But he missed her. He missed everything about her. Even when they weren't together and they would exchange a few bitter words on her driveway. He missed that too.

He loved her. All of her. With every bit of his being, he loved her.

He just wasn't sure if she loved him back.

Why would she do that if she did love him? He thought.

He thought but he couldn't understand.

He watched her sleep. She was peaceful. She didn't fidget or wake up every two minutes shaking. She didn't know he was in the room, but it's as if she felt it. He calmed her down. Him being near her was enough for her to feel peaceful, even if she had no idea.

He wanted to crawl next to her and hold her. He wanted to stroke her soft hair that smelled like coconut.

She was his favorite scent.

He wanted to put his head on her chest and hear her heartbeat. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to, but that voice telling him she didn't love him enough was stopping him.

So he left.

He took one look at her and he left.

And as soon as he left the room, she began to twitch in her sleep. She fidgeted, squirmed, cried. And then she woke up. Feeling hopeless and empty, once again.