Nyctophilia

01

Nyctophilia Heather Walker p.o.v.
Life sometimes takes a turn we'd rather not think about or just totally forget... but in some cases, forgetting is impossible. In some unlucky cases, the person can't escape it. It comes back in every nightmare, every action that brings back memories, every single moment of the person's existence.

That is currently my case. I am a prisoner of my own fear. The fear it would happen again. I tried to stop myself from being scared, but it is impossible. Not since my mother died. I do not feel comfortable where I am. I do not feel at home. Even though I am currently in my own room. The one place that could maybe feel like home, but still isn't.

"Nycto! Time to eat!" I hear my father shout from downstairs. I get up from my bed, where I was laying just seconds ago, and make my way to the kitchen in my usual numb self.

I sit at the same place I've been sitting since I can remember. My mom used to sit in front of me and my dad on my left, at the end of the rectangular table. The table has six places, but when mommy was still there, we'd use only three places. Now it's even emptier without her. It feels sad.

"How was your day at school?" My dad's voice interrupts me from my deep thoughts. He's always so kind, yet I still don't give him the treatment he's supposed to have. He's supposed to feel like he has a daughter, but instead he only lives with a corpse.

"It was ok." Is all I sign to him. Yes. Sign. I do not speak, like at all.

Last time I spoke I was twelve years old, which is five years ago. Not one sound has come out of my mouth since that night. My mom and dad never knew why, dad still doesn't, but they taught me sign language even though I never told them the truth. They've tried. Multiple times, but I wouldn't say, more like sign any answer. I never told anyone.

When mommy died three years ago, dad stopped trying. I don't blame him, he lost his wife and needed time for himself. He was still taking care of me, just wasn't searching for the reason that caused my silence. I must say, the death of my dear mother only made me more numb, another reason to stay in the dark. And I don't mind. Not at all.

"I need to go to the grocery store after dinner. Are you coming with me? It wouldn't do any bad for you to get out of the house a bit." His voice is sincere, but I really hate going outside. I feel like people are only looking at me. I mean, I'm nothing special with my 5'4" height, wavy brown hair and emerald bright eyes. Sure I look quite weird, floating in my oversized clothes, but I don't really control my insecurities.

"I think I'm going to go stargazing. Thank you, though." He nods silently, then goes back to his food. I'm not very hungry so I only eat half of it then put my dishes in the dishwasher.

I climb up back in my room without wasting any time. I close the door behind me and walk towards my window. It's only 6pm, but the sun is already starting to set as we're in early november. It's not really cold where I live, but I still have to wear a coat when I go outside. Not wanting to go back downstairs, I just take a warmer hoodie and put it on with my black joggers. I then open my window and step outside on the little rooftop of the porch. It's not very big, but just enough for me to lay down without falling.

I've been going here since I was around ten years old. Both my parents used to come with me. We'd spend hours just looking at the star. How ironic is it that I love night more than the day when my name (Nyctophilia) literally means "love of darkness or night. finding relaxation or comfort in the darkness". Yes I know the definition by heart. I even remember my mom's sweet voice repeating it to me. I miss her so much. Life feels emptier without her. It feels like it's void.  Just nothing.

I tear my eyes away from the sky to look at the sun now setting. The different shades of the colours mixing in the sky. Yellow, orange and red near the sun, then it becomes pink, purple to finally end up blue.

I watch the show in front of me for a while until the night is now covering the town. This is my moment of peace. The moment in the day where I feel at peace. No worry, no problem. Just me and the dark sky illuminated by stars. And then my favourite part arrives. The moon.

I like to believe my mom is sitting on the moon right now, looking at me with her usual warm smile that used to make me feel welcomed. She's looking at me, judging the choices I'm making in life, but somewhat still proud of the person I am. I know she'd be proud of me. For what? I have no idea. She would just be. She always was. Even when I lost my voice. She was proud when I learnt sign language. She was proud when I would keep my happiness even though it was hard. She was always proud. To her I was perfect. If only she'd be here today to ground me for being who I am. She wouldn't ground me for my sadness, nah she'd try to make me smile. But I still feel like grounding me wouldn't be such a bad thing. I've become the total opposite of who she taught me to be. I must be disappointing her, right now, but it's too late to go back.

~§~

After what felt like multiple hours, but only really is two, I got back inside. It's starting to be really cold outside as the night is fully installed for the next few hours. I put my pjs on then make my way to my bathroom. I brush my teeth and finish the rest of my night routine before going back into my bedroom and getting in bed. I quickly take a look at my phone and as usual, a message from my dearest friend is sitting on my screen.

Gabby: Hey! Just wanted to remind you that I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7:30am. Don't be late. Love you xxx

Me: Since when am I late huh? Don't worry I'll be there. Love you too.

Gabriella Rose Campbell a.k.a my best friend and only friend. I've known her since my childhood. Probably around the age of five or something like that. She's beautiful in every way. She has long dark blonde hair that finishes in curls, hazel eyes, perfect clear skin, perfect 5'7" height and the perfect body. Not too thin or thick. She's perfect and sometimes I even wonder why she's still my friend. Her personality is crazy. She kind of has more than one. She can be super extra with a lot of energy or really calm and chill. She's a smart butt. I would say the other word, but I'd rather not swear. Anyway, she learnt sign language with me and ever since, it's been like our special way to communicate as no one else can understand us. Except from my dad and her parents.

Anyway, Gabriella has been there for me in every hard moment in my life and I really hope I've supported her enough so we're even. I don't want my lack of speaking to get between us so I try my hardest to help her. She's such a sweetheart that she's told me many times in the past that she understands me and she wouldn't ask for another best friend. I'm not too worried about her because she has a boyfriend anyway. I mean, she's like the prettiest girl in school, it's expected. She's currently dating the quarterback of our school. Now maybe some would think he's a total jock who's mean like a typical football player, but he's actually really nice. When I used to be bullied two years back, he would place the jerks back to their place and eventually it stopped. Still happens sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. They've been together for about two years and a half and they're like the sweethearts of the school. Everyone loves them, except for the other sluts, but they don't matter.

The yawn escaping my lips actually makes me remember I need to sleep as there's school tomorrow. I put my phone back on my nightstand then close the little lamp besides my bed. I soon fall asleep in my usual not so peaceful sleep.

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So, this is the first chapter! It's short I know. It's just the beginning you know. Anyway, I'll try to post chapter 2 soon! Thanks for reading! Xxx
-Raph.