Yes I'm Gay But I'm Married To A Woman (Completed)

Chapter 47: Heal

Arck Leonel Cortez

How do I even begin?

I don't know if I should be happy that she's talking to me or be sad that she's not the same anymore. She changed. A lot.

I thought what's gonna happen next was a cold treatment from her. I thought she wouldn't talk to me after everything. I thought she would blame me too, pero bakit ganoon?

"Are you hungry?" Nabalik ako sa wisyo nang marinig ko ang boses niya. She's smiling at me. She's acting like she's okay.

"I'm not. Why? Are you hungry? You want to eat?" Kaagad akong tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo sa couch para pumuntang kusina pero inilingan niya lang ako.

"I actually want to cook for you since you've always been the one cooking.." Her cheerful voice trailed off. Sandaling dumaan ang lungkot sa mukha niya na kaagad namang napawi. Malawak siyang ngumiti ulit sa'kin.

"Anong gusto mo? Pizza?"

Huminga ako nang malalim habang nakatingin sa kanyang umakto na parang walang nangyari.

"I'm fine. I'm not hungry." Sagot ko.

"Pero h-hindi ka pa kumakain."

Ngumiti ako at hinawakan ang kamay niya. "I'm fine." I assured her.

She faked a smile before nodding to me. "Sige, doon lang ako." Itinuro niya ang hagdan bago tumalikod papuntang second floor.

I watched her walk away. I know she's crying. I know she's hiding it from me.

It's been like that. Pakiramdam ko ay walang nangyari kung paano siya umakto but something definitely did change.

Some cases I will wake up in the middle of the night and I hear her cry, her back facing me while she's suppressing her sobs. Some cases, I wake up without her in the bed and I'll either find her in the baby room or in the playroom but during the day? She acts like everything's fine. She hides that she's been crying. We're talking but it feels cold.

Hindi ko rin naman siya makausap tungkol sa pagkamatay ng mga anak namin kasi tuwing sinusubukan kong iopen ang topic na 'yon, she would immediately try to change it so I didn't try again.

It really feels like everything's fine. Like we didn't lose our babies. And it hurts me more that she's acting like everything's fine. Like she's not in pain. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit niya itinatago ang pag iyak niya sa akin tuwing gabi at pag akto niya na okay lang siya pagsapit ng araw. I don't know why she's doing that.

I can't brush off the feeling that she's here but at the same time, she is drifting away. Like she's putting a high wall to separate us, she doesn't let me see her vulnerable every night. She's hiding it from me.

She's here but it felt like the day we lost our baby was the day I lost her too. And I can't do anything about it because it's like no matter how I hold her tight, she's the one trying to loosen it. No matter how I try to make this work for us, she's the one blocking me. She's shutting me off.

It's been 2 months since we buried our babies, and it's been going on like that.

Everyday, it gets worse. Mas lumalala ang pakiramdam ko tuwing ngumingiti siya na hindi naman umaabot sa mga mata niya. Alam kong hindi siya okay pero iyon ang ipinapakita niya sa'kin. Gusto ko siyang kausapin tungkol doon pero hinaharang niya kaagad tuwing sinusubukan ko. Hindi ko na alam ano ang gagawin ko.

Ayoko naman siyang madaliin na kausapin ako tungkol doon dahil pareho pa rin kaming nagluluksa. All I want for her is to stop showing me she's fine when we all know she's not. We're certainly not.