Love. What did I know about it? It was incredibly messy and unnecessary. I learnt that from my past relationship. You pour out your entire soul to that person and they can just walk away.
I ignored the signs. The red flags were more than obvious. And yet, I still went chasing after her, knowing damn well I was bound to get hurt in the end. It still sucks though.
Shuxin would kill me for being so hung up on my ex. She says that the breakup was messy but necessary for my mental health. The relationship was toxic, that I can admit. But I wasnt willing to let go. Was there a twinge of hope that Jiaqi might come running back? Maybe. Was there a chance? Close to zero.
I snuggled closer to my pillow, trying to remember the faint scent Jiaqi left behind. Of course, I couldnt. It's been literally 3 years. Yep, 3 years of this.
I hated this. Staring at the framed photograph every night, trying to recall the good times. There were some. I could tell she was fond of me but in love? Maybe not.
Grimacing at my own thoughts, I glared at the photo. Jiaqi standing in front of the ferris wheel, her smiling so widely... Dammit.
I sighed and ran my fingers through my red hair. Maybe if things were different. Maybe we would still be together, spending breakfast at the cafe down the street.
Maybe.
"Its all your fault!" I yelled, punching my pillow. I just said it to make myself feel better. It wasnt anyone's fault but mine. The clues were so obvious. I groaned and fell back onto my bed. My eyes instinctively wandered to the bookshelf. I remembered that day, Jiaqi and I went for a picnic and she described all the things that she liked about me.
Reading, being one. And I hate how after the breakup I stopped reading. My favourite pastime was now a constant reminder of my toxic relationship.
The books laid long forgotten, collecting dust on the shelf.
Come on, stop thinking about her.
I couldn't. It was hard. It's been 3 years, I should be able to do this. I had a job as a writer but the writers block came everytime I thought about Jiaqi. Very often.
I still earned enough money to live comfortably though. I got up from my bed after a war in my head, deciding to head to the store to grab some instant noodles. And maybe some ice cream.
I used to hate eating unhealthy food. But Jiaqi got me hooked-
Stop. Thinking. About. Her.
Right. Dont think about her.
I tried to convince myself that I could do it. I never succeed. Throwing on some regular trousers and my high school basketball jersey, I headed down for the store.
"You can do it." I encouraged myself softly. Once I reached the store, I immediately bolted straight for the snack column.
Spotting my favourite brand of noodles, I grinned and grabbed it, throwing it into the basket.
Okay that was step 2. You just have a few more steps to go.
Wait. What was step 1?
Getting here.
Oh. I shook my head and walked to the freezer. Strawberry ice cream.
"Hm..." I browsed through the selection. I normally ate that brand but maybe I should try-
"Still like strawberry ice cream, huh." I shot my head up from the ice cream. That voice.
It felt so familiar, yet distant. Shit.
"I remember you used to like vanilla as well."
I blushed intensely, trying not to look behind me. Because if I did, I knew I would break.
"Its been so long. I'm sorry I havent kept in contact."
I was about to say that it was fine. But deep down, I knew, it wasnt.
Jiaqi merely chuckled at my lack of response.
"You eat instant noodles now? Wow. Wheres the Yu Yan i know?"
I gulped.
"Anyway, i didnt mean to run into you like this. So, uh. Do you wanna grab coffee down at the cafe?" She asked, seemingly not minding my silence.
"I...I've got other pla-plans." I stammered, picking at the flesh of my hand. I heard no reply.
"What about this weekend?"
"I really... cant." I said, still not facing her.
"Oh... Well, hey, can I have your number then? I changed mine.." she requested. I frowned. She didnt save my number?
"I'm... I'm sorry but I cant give you my number." I replied, finally turning around. Fuck.
She still had short hair and damn did she look extremely attractive. She was just wearing the average lesbian fit, y'know, crop top with flannel.
"You look.. more mature." She remarked. Is that supposed to be a compliment?
"Right. Um. I have to go." I quickly said, trying to get out of this extremely uncomfortable situation.
"If you want, I can give you my number? That way if you ever want to meet up or.." she trailed off, turning away at the last word and clearing her throat.
"Sure..." I mumbled. Was i making a mistake? Welcoming my ex back into my life? I've heard of stories where people are still friends or even best friends with their ex and I'm pretty sure this is not one of those stories.
-
I groaned for the nth time. The piece of paper Jiaqi had written her number on was in my hand. This whole thing was weird. After 3 years, my ex suddenly appears after an incredibly messy breakup and wants to rekindle some sort of friendship? What the heck was going on..
I frowned.
I should call her. Or at least text her, right?
I grabbed my phone from the beside table and quickly punched in the numbers.
On the third ring, she picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hi, this is-"
"Yu Yan?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Oh, okay. Glad you called."
"Sorry for taking so long but I just checked, I can get coffee this Thursday." What the hell am I doing. Half of me hoped that she couldnt make it and the other half hoped to see her again. I hate my mind.
"This Thursday? Yeah, definitely. Same place, same time?"
"...Yeah."
theres gonna be a lot more angst so be prepared :)
also hi im back sorry for the one month wait i was sick for like two weeks🤧
and yes, my immune system is so low lol
this is prolly gonna be a 2/3/4 part story(idk i didnt plan this out- eye) so this is sort of a treat. anyway you guys are incredibly patient wow
