𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐢𝐚. [𝐒𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐀𝐭𝐬𝐮]

[1]

A t s u m u

     My paranoia and anxiety has gotten worse ever since I had a run-in with a drunk man who exited a bar at the same time I was walking past the building. I still remember the fear I felt in that moment. And I really don't want to remember. 

     That was about 3 years ago when I was in High School. Honestly, I haven't really told anyone about it. Only my close friends do; Hinata, Bokuto, Kita, Osamu, and Suna. 

     Of course Osamu had to know either way; he's my brother. Despite us always arguing with each other, we still care for one another. It's never been any different. 

     Sakusa on the other hand, I've tried to tell him, but I always back out at the last second. I know he cares about me, but I don't want to make life any harder for him. He has no idea what goes through my head at night.

     I'm hyper-aware of every sound, movement, and vibration. It's like my senses are heightened, and believe me or not, it's exhausting. The panic attacks caused by the extreme paranoia and anxiety are the worst parts.

     Usually they happen a few times a week at least. When they do, I feel like I'm dying. My heartbeat weakens, my breathing goes all over the place, causing me to hyperventilate, and I feel way too weak to call for help.

     The smallest vibration, the smallest sound, the smallest movement, can set off my anxiety. It's tiring.

     Sakusa told me to stop calling him Omi, a few weeks ago because it was obnoxious. I gotta admit, it hurt. A lot.

      He hasn't been very happy with me lately because of my panic attacks at night. We live together, and sleep in the same bed. We've been dating for a year now, and I feel like he doesn't love me like he used to.

     Hinata and Bokuto tell me otherwise; that he still loves me, and that he's just worried and doesn't know how to fix whatever is wrong. They have stayed true to their word by not telling anyone, not even Sakusa, about what happened to me. 

     I know that if I told him, it could solve a couple things, but honestly I'm still scared. Too scared to tell him. Too scared that he'll push me away and think I'm disgusting.

     Relationships are supposed to be 50/50, meaning you tell each other everything, stay truthful, and put effort into it. But still, I'm terrified, and I just can't bring myself to say anything. Besides, my anxiety gets in the way and makes me overthink.

~

     I sit down on the bench after getting subbed out from a practice game with a nearby college Volleyball team. Apparently I looked like I was gonna puke, and honestly, I feel like I am. It's so hot in here and it's making me nauseous. 

     "'Tsumu, you okay? You look like you're about to throw up.. you're very pale.." Rei Suzuki asks, kneeling down in front of me, locking her eyes onto my sweaty face. I gulp as I feel my body tense up.

     "N-No, I feel like I am g-going to-" I choke out, bending forward a bit, causing Suzuki to get up and help me outside. She tosses my arm around her shoulder, and guides me outside. The gym goes quiet, everyone noticing my sudden leave.

     "Here, sit down and I'll go get Captain Meian." Suzuki says quietly, a little hint of nervousness lining her fragile voice, before jogging into the gym. 

     When I woke up this morning, I wasn't quite feeling myself. Sakusa had noticed and asked what was wrong, but I shrugged it off, not having the courage to risk him getting mad at me for something minor.

     I put my hands over my mouth, slowly sliding down the wall to sit down. My mouth is producing far more saliva than normal, and my throat keeps tightening as if I'm going to throw up soon. 

     Captain Meian and Suzuki walk out the gym and approach me. Meian kneels down in front of me and inspects every inch of my face. He sighs and stands back up and turns to Suzuki, who's holding a binder. 

     "I doubt he'll be able to stay like this for much longer. Stay out here with him while I go finish up the practice game with the team." He demands with a huff as he leaves the black haired girl with me.

S a k u s a 

     Practice came to a halt when Suzuki, our team manager, helped Atsumu outside the gym. She had come back in to grab the Captain, and drag him back outside.

     I wonder if Atsumu is okay. He looked a little pale while playing, and was kinda off his game. It's concerning, and kinda gross at the same time. Sometimes I wish I was born differently so I wouldn't be such a.. germaphobe. It's straining my relationship with him, and it scares me.

     Of course I love him, and worry about him, but when he's sick, I have such a hard time being around him. 

     And because of him, I haven't been getting much sleep. His panic attacks keep us up at night and often, very often, I'm the only person he wants to hold him. It's getting to the point where the lack of sleep is making me grumpy.

     I'm kinda frustrated; I just want to sleep peacefully. 

     "Alright guys, let's continue!" Captain Meian shouts as he jogs back into his spot to resume the game.

     During the next few minutes, everyone was on edge. Hinata's spikes were sloppy, and  Bokuto's spikes were straight up hostile. 

     I wasn't any different from Bokuto. I poured all of my anger and worry into spiking the ball whenever the setter set it to me. 

     When the practice game ended, I put my mask back on and swung my bag over my shoulder before walking over to the captain. 

     "Captain."

     "Yes Sakusa?"

     "Where is Atsumu? Is he okay?" 

     Before Meian can speak, Suzuki steps in front of him and looks up at me. "Atsumu is fine. Just a little sick is all. He's in the nurse's office.." she paused for a second before continuing. "Please go easy on him and love him. He's quite uncomfortable right now, and is having a hard time moving around without a surge of pain striking."

     My heart felt like it was about to shatter at her words. I nod and walk out the gym, into the school, and towards the nurses office.

~

A/N: Hello.. welcome to my Sakuatsu fanfic. I just want to say that this AU is in America because I literally have no clue how shit works in Japan. There is going to be angst, depressive thoughts, fights, and triggers throughout the story. My sincere apologies if anything triggers you..

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Word Count: 1158