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Review #22: @Hirani_Amisha

reviewed author: Hirani_Amisha
book title: Ma and the Magical Kingdom
reviewer: dreaminginreverie

make sure you tag me if you have questions!

cover + title:
the cover is simplistic but really cool! it tells you there's going to be magic and since there's a wand, obviously wizards. the title is a bit confusing, since it's 'Ma and the Magical Kingdom' but ami is the one who is the wimefa. you might want to consider changing it to 'Ami and the Magical Kingdom'.

description:
the description is. . .different. it tells me what the story will be about but it feels disconnected, you could say, from the actual story. you might want to re-write it without the kingdoms listed and instead make a foreword where you can list and explain a bit about each.

writing style:
it actually feels like i'm reading a play script, which isn't a bad thing except you're all over the place with it. in chapter one you have ami, anu, and yash speaking in sentences but in later chapters you have them speaking in broken up chunks, like how you'd learn a characters lines for a play. it's different and not necessarily bad but if you're going to keep it like that, make sure you make all of their speaking parts like that, not just some. you also might want to split up your paragraphs a bit, since longer ones tend to scare readers off.

characters:

ma -
she seems like a very strong woman who would do anything for her children! i really love her personality and how easily she accepted her children's magic.

mi -
this guy can go jump off a cliff any time, he's a world class turd and i strongly dislike him. he should've been helping care for his family instead of scheming like it would get him somewhere.

ami -
she's such a cutie! i love how she's so protective of her siblings and how she doesn't believe anan at first and questions him so much. usually female protagonists go along with everything without question, so it was nice to see one who didn't.

anu -
ahhh, i love her! she's so cute! i love how she reacted to being magical with those little hops! she seems so energetic!

yash -
i also love him like. . .way too much. he reminds me of harry potter when he first got his wand and seemed so excited.

anan -
he's very mysterious! he kind of reminds me of snape from hp but also chiron from pjo. like. . .he's strict and wise but deep down he really cares.

grammar:
when you use any number under 100, make sure you spell them out, so in your case when you give their ages in the first chapter say. . .forty-four, fifteen, and twelve. you also use a lot of parentheses to add important information or get feelings across but they really break up the sentences. instead you can put that important information between commas or these little things - -. feelings should be described, not shown. so instead of saying someone was angry say, "her cheeks turned red and her fingers curled into fists as she glared at him." you get that she's angry without actually saying 'angry'. also, instead of using ' ' to surround dialogue use " ". you also use a lot of question marks and exclamation points. one or two usually gets the point across, along with telling how a person is feeling. if you have to say, "she was so excited!!!!!" then you're not explaining her feelings enough. you could say, "she couldn't stop bouncing on her feet, she was so excited!"

overall thoughts:
i believe this book has great potential! it seems well thought out and loved, but it could still use an editor for some misspellings and incorrect tenses. i was really interested in ami's story, which tells me you're a great writer to have caught someone's attention like that!