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Review#44 @Rusty_Blogger0912

Book: Then Came You by Rusty_Blogger0912

Reviewer: creative_maverick_Mo  

 Title:

 The title went along with the storyline perfectly well. You get full points on that one. Good job.

 Blurb: 

Your blurb had a few irrelevant pieces of information in it. Like the part where you started rambling about how it's a second installment and all that. That part was not necessary and it just made the blurb seem longer than it really was which would be a turn-off to many people because people aren't really into the whole long blurb thing. Okay, on a more serious note the part where you started telling us about if we wanted to be part of Anna's journey was unnecessary. You can just scrap that paragraph entirely and write something like: 

 "Book 2 in the "Loving You" original series. Can be read as a standalone book but you can refer to "Broken Beyond Mending" for the first part."

 I feel like that sounds so much better because the one you wrote low-key sounded like you were rambling. There were a few typos in the first part as well. You capitalized the wrong words and your use of punctuation was also incorrect. For instance, the part where you wrote: 

"There is a magnetic pull that keeps drawing them together. But..."

 Is incorrect. It should be: 

"There is a magnetic pull that keeps drawing them together but there is also a problem. Christian was..." 

And the capitalization of "traumatic brain surgery" was grammatically incorrect and unnecessary unless you were trying to drive home a point (a point I didn't understand). Also, I think you should divide the first part into two paragraphs just to make it appear brief and appealing. These are my opinions, you don't have to follow them. 

Genre: 

You get full points on this one. I got the romantic vibe from the start. In fact, I want me a man like Christian.

Cover: 

The cover of your book is nice but not particularly appealing. First of all, get rid of all the yellow. It makes the cover appear gaudy. The font also doesn't do any justice for your book or the cover. It doesn't look right. I think a bolder font with a little classy/sophisticated edge will do the trick. I'm not saying it's necessary but a short body text on the cover will make it seem a little bit more interesting. I understand that yellow is a happy color and it's supposed to represent happy things and all that but it doesn't look too good on the cover. It would be nice if you used white and please remove the lines framing the picture because it isn't really framing it or adding an artistic effect, it's just cutting the background at the edges.

Plot/Structure: 

Okay in my opinion the synopsis chapter is very unnecessary. When you write a sequel to a book, you don't describe the first book in the second book. If you think they would be confused if they don't read the first part, you include that in your blurb or you add snippets of the necessary information from the first book to the sequel as the story goes along. For example:

 "...so I guess it's time for my twenty-one-year-old self to stop this charade..."

 You don't need to dedicate a whole chapter to the details of the first book. The details you included in the synopsis chapter will most likely come up in the book anyway plus don't you want them to read the first part too? 

You don't need to ask us if we remember Erica. You can just do something like: 

"Anna?" I heard my roommate, Erica shout from the living room..."

 I gave that advice because you might make some citations that those who haven't read and don't plan on reading the first installment might not be able to relate with. 

 Also, you kept giving me way too much information i.e. you kept info-dumping: 

"I thought twice. It occurred to me that we were in a crowded place, so he probably won't be able to misbehave here. The problem might arise later when we were outside the pub's premises waiting for the cab to appear. But that chance also was pretty slim, because the cab will appear in another five minutes. He won't be able to accomplish much in that short period of time; unless he is carrying a gun or something." 

Sweet Jesus! You don't need to tell us what she's thinking all the time. These are things we should pick up on from her body language and whatnot. You can just give us subtle pickups. You can even cancel the whole paragraph before that and be like:

"Erica was obviously bigger than me so I knew carrying her was not an option. I looked around to see if I would find a Good Samaritan around. Nobody looked like they were ready to assist a helpless girl and her drunk friend except the creepy guy I was staring at an hour ago. He offered his help...... I hesitated at first but I figured we were in a crowded place so he wouldn't be stupid enough to pull a dangerous stunt on us..." 

That was exactly what you said but in not so many words. You tend to over-describe things and that killed a large amount of my curiosity and excitement.

 Kudos on the way you started the third chapter. It was neat and professional. Honestly speaking it is the first good chapter I'm reading since I started reading this book.

 Originality: 

I felt like it would have been nice to start the first chapter with Anna looking in the mirror and having a real conversation with herself about how she looked after the accident instead of trying to play it down while she was getting her makeup done. That way the readers are drawn into the book and they connect with her immediately. They see how much pain and insecurities she's going through due to the accident. That gives your book a more real and less cliché beginning. I'm sure there is a less cliché way to start a book than the whole "going out to a bar" scenario.

Grammar/Vocabulary: 

You had many grammatical errors in your book, you arranged the words incorrectly in some places and you also used the wrong words in some places like: 

"Who knew what kind of a creep was he?" 

First of all, it's "who knew what kind of creep he was" and secondly it's not a question. Also, the format for using the ellipsis or Unicode is: 

"Yeah...go on." 

And not: 

"Yeah... Go on." 

You italicized words in irrelevant places too but it's nothing an editor can't fix. In the second paragraph of the second chapter, you repeated a sentence. Even though you used different words, the two sentences meant the same thing: 

"As we entered, it took my eyes some time to adjust to the low lighting of the interior. The soft and quirky bohemian lighting engulfed my senses..." 

Both sentences explained the exact same thing. I think you should scrap the first sentence because the second one is worded better. There are many other errors in the book like that but like I said it's nothing a good editor can't fix.

 Description/Expression: 

The internal conversations and exclamations Anna and Christian have are very unnecessary. Like: 

"Oh boy this isn't good." 

The fact that there was no cab and they were both strangers to one another already sends a signal that this isn't good. You don't need to inform us of that. It gives the internal conversations an unnatural vibe. 

 And please stop asking us questions 

"...that's an absurd option, right? She was clearly not feeling okay herself..." 

Just forget that we are even here and establish your characters in the minds of your readers.

Overall Enjoyment: 

I wouldn't say I enjoyed your book completely but it is a very good book. It just needs a few tweaks here and there. All you need to do is work with a very good editor-I'm sure there are good editors in this community that will be willing to help with that. Also, these are just my opinions. I don't suggest in any way that you adhere to them.