Guns & Roses (Larry Stylinson)

Pasts

"But... why? Why would you want to end your life? Harry, don't you understand how much people need you?"

I found that I wasn't just trying to understand Harry anymore, but I was also trying to understand my mum; why she did it. Why did she leave me with a monster of a man? Why did she have to take her own life? Why didn't we just leave? We could have ran away. But I knew we wouldn't have gotten far. My dad would have found us. But why did she leave me? Didn't she understand that she was all I had?

"Loneliness can thrive even in the company of others," Harry said, tearful eyes glancing up at me. "Loneliness reminds me that nobody truly needs me. In fact, ending it all would probably make people's lives easier. They'd be hurt, at first, but after they heal, they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. And then there's the ache," He said, curling in on himself again. "It's a hole in your heart that was dug out by a knife. It twists and twists and twists, wanting you to scream and beg for mercy. It digs deeper, taking away all semblances of happiness, eating away at you until you're nothing more than someone who is living only because it's what others expect of you. Because you don't entirely know how to die; nobody truly does."

I thought of my mum. I was so young back then, but I could tell that her smiles became less frequent. Her laughter didn't chime like a bell after a while. Her eyes slowly dimmed out, no light shining within her. But she was the brightest person to me.

Looking at Harry now, I saw similar feats.

"Is there ever a time when you don't feel lonely?" I wondered. Was there ever a time my mum didn't? Was there anyone who made her feel something other than that even for a second?

"I don't feel lonely when I'm with you," Harry admitted, and I felt just as breathless as I did last night.

The words would be beautiful to someone else, but they were just heavy in this moment. They weighed down on me-- all of that responsibility. It was a crushing weight on my chest, devastating.

I found that I didn't want to let Harry down.

"You-- how? Why?" I wondered, feeling awestruck by the boy in front of me.

Harry smiled, this one shy, but it actually met his eyes. Just barely. "You see me. You don't just see what everyone else sees. You know about my, um, depression, but you haven't treated me any differently because of it. You haven't pretended like I'm this broken thing; a butterfly with clipped wings. You see through things, like the abuse and my clinginess." He took a pause, looking down at his hands. "You... you told me that I was worth it... even with knowing all of that."

It was silent between us. I didn't know what to say at all. I didn't know how to respond. It was like all of Harry's hopes settled on me, so I had to be extra careful not to shatter all of his resolve. I had to take care to keep balanced for him.

"If you ever feel that way again," I started, mentally cursing myself for what I was about to say, but I couldn't stop myself from saying it. He needed this, and I needed to stop my past from repeating itself. "You can come to me."

Harry's eyes were a bit wider as he looked over at me. There were the diamonds shimmering in his eyes once more, and I reached a hand out to wipe them away before they could spill, hearing Harry gasp slightly.

"If you ever need to escape your mind, just knock on my door. Any time. Day or night," I said, not thinking anything through. "We can talk or just sit around in silence. Whatever you need in those moments."

Harry smiled once more, this one meeting his eyes fully. It wasn't exactly joy shining within him, but it was something that he could hold onto.

"Thank you, Louis," He responded as he leaned closer to me, kissing my cheek again. I found that I was a bit disappointed at the position of the kiss, but that was a train of thought that I wasn't very fond of chasing. "You don't have to tell me about your parents. Not if it's too difficult for you."