Rule #1: Rule of Fate

[3]

Ayokong magpadalos-dalos ng desisyon.

Kung totoo man na gusto ko siya, edi dapat kong gawin yung lagi kong ginagawa pag nagkakagusto ako sa isang tao.

I always set myself to believe na malaki ang chance na hindi ako gusto ng taong gusto ko. Kaysa naman sa umasa ako. Ganoon ang ginagawa ko lagi para di ako masyado ma-attach at masaktan. It is somehow a way of protecting myself from a heartbreak.

I don't wanna decide yet kung paano ko i-hahandle 'tong feelings ko. I have to be sure first. Baka naman kase ilusyon ko lang talaga. Baka sa panunukso nila sa akin, iniisip ko na rin na gusto ko siya.

I had... crushes before.

My first crush was back in pre-school. Boto sa 'kin ang lolo niya dahil lagi nalang kami partners sa mga pageant. Tuwing kailangan ko ng partner at kailangan niya rin, siya ang lagi 'kong kinukuha. I always wanted to be around him before, at lagi ko rin siyang gusto makita. I even call him sa landline! Pero when he graduated early than me, doon na rin naputol ang connection namin.

The next one I had was in high school. It was one of those interaction. Natural lang naman na ma-attract sa pinaka-gwapo sa batch nila.

He was not in my group, but nonetheless, he is eye-catching. Fourteen ako non at doon ko uli naramdaman that I liked someone. However, nung naging sila ata ng batchmate ko, I made myself believe that I never liked him in the first place. Kaya ayun, I didn't do anything about it na.

Sumunod yung sa SHS. Basketball player siya, idol ng lahat at ang daming nagkakacrush dahil gwapo at malakas ang dating. My best friend, Emma would bring me to their games dahil doon naglalaro ang Kuya at ang crush niya. He was also a friend of her brother.

We followed and added each other sa social media, dahil na rin sa mutual friend namin. Kaya lang, that's when I knew that he is still hung up on his crush. Gustong-gusto niya pa rin yung babae kaya para hindi na ako masaktan, I forced myself to move on. Hindi naging madali though, dahil compared to the other two, he was the one I actually... cried about. The one I liked the most.

"So... you think you like him na?"

I nodded. It was weekend, kaya naman niyaya ako ni Emma na maghang-out sa mall. She studies in a different school. Just like me, she wants to be a doctor kaya pre-med course ang kinukuha niya. The only difference between the two of us is, she's rich while I'm not.

She sipped in her milk tea. "Who is this guy ba? Is he gwapo? Surely he is, because all of your crushes are so gwapo, except for the other one.." she rolled her eyes at that.

She leaned and tapped my arm to get my attention.

"Show a pic nga!"

I rolled my eyes. "Wala kaming picture," sabi ko at iniinom ang milk tea ko.

She pouted. "Daya! Hindi ko naman aagawin sa'yo! Loyal kaya ko sa current crush ko!"

Natawa naman ako dun.

"Pero do you really feel that you like him nga?" she asked.

Umiling ako. Iniisip ang tungkol doon. "I don't know... I just don't want to go through the process of liking someone and disappointing myself once again."

She sighed. "Seeing you last time, cry for a guy really broke my heart, Lia. I just hope that... this time if you really do end up liking him, hindi ka na masaktan."

I nodded. I remember how she stayed with me in my room for a long time. Dinalhan niya pa ako ng mga ice cream at fries at niyayang manood ng movie. She even offered a trip abroad na siya na ang magbabayad, but then I declined.