Human Purity Alliance (Hypernaturals 4)

Unhappy Morgan

When Rachel appeared at our house two weeks ago, at my desperate request, Helen was taken aback to see her longtime lover at the door. She was further taken aback by the fact that Rachel came there to see me, not her.

Once it had been explained why Rachel came here and that I asked, there were three different reactions from the women that share the house.

Jessica about did a happy dance. She thanked Rachel for coming and hugged her all the time.

Helen looked combinations of taken aback, wistful, and studied Rachel from afar.

Morgan is predictably unhappy. Not at Rachel but at me.

Morgan feels deeply guilty about what happened to me still, and I guess she will for a long time. My going to Rachel for help hurt her in a way I did not consider at first, but even knowing it, I know in my heart this is the right thing, long-term.

That did not stop Morgan from talking to me about it.

"Adrian? I am glad Rachel is helping you, but you could talk to me. I am always here for you." Morgan told me the first time we were alone after Rachels arrival.

"Morgan. Do not take this the wrong way, but this is something I do not want not share with you."

"Why not?" Morgan asked, obviously struggling to not to be offended.

"Have you ever been raped?" I asked her. I know probably 50% of the women in the USA have been. That means however the other half have not been.

"No. It has been attempted. Even by other cops on the force. One got close, because we were out on a date and had been drinking so I was impaired. Took me a while to damage him enough to comprehend I really meant 'No'."

"I imagine you burned with rage at the very attempt." I noted.

"Oh yes. So angry." Morgan conceded.

"Rachel has been raped: Many times and by many men. She told me it is OK to share that with you if it came up." I delivered that quietly. "Specifically you. Rachel worried you would not like her being here any more than you do."

"Oh."

"Also, Morgan. I don't want to share this with you because of how I feel about you, and how you feel about me. It's too complicated, and ... Well. It's complicated. Let me ask you this. If I spent all this time with Rachel with you instead. Let you into my deepest anger and my saddest heart. Opened up to you completely. I kept doing that over and over." I saw her about to speak. "Just wait... Think about that. Think about your reaction. What would you feel? For me? About me? Not hatred. Not anger. I know you would not see me as used up or damaged and unredeemable. Think about it. Feel it. A minute, please."

I waited as she did as asked and considered.

I plowed on after that pause. "You would want me to know I am loved still. Not because of the time I bit you. Not because you were attracted to me years ago when we first met. You would feel helpless and powerless, and you would want to do something. Heal me somehow. Try to let me see that I am loved. You would ignore yourself and any consequences to yourself such a thing would mean. You would want to make love: healing love, but before you are ready for that.""

Morgan had been looking at the floor, and now regarded me with hooded eyes. "Yes. I can see that reaction in me."

"You are not ready for that with me, and I need for whatever you and I have to come from a different place. If there was no Rachel, I would not hurt alone, but there is. Her being a friend makes it so I can maybe, someday, if you ever want it, be something else with you. I may be acting like a piece of shit here, but I want something else from and with you. Only when you are ready. Not sooner."

Morgan looked back down. Sighed. "I see."

Morgan looked back up at me with intensity. "I would want to be a person in your life that you CAN share all this with, Adrian."

"I would want that too. You can be that. Is that all you want?" I asked, curious. Maybe I am wrong about her?

"No." Morgan said, and there was some anger in that.

"This is nothing about you that is not true for Jessica or Helen either. I promise you one thing about all of this. Rachel still hurts after centuries. I am going to be needing unconditional love in my life for centuries to help me through the rough moments. I am strong now, in this conversation but that can change in an instant. When I fall apart with you, I want us to have built something other than this FIRST. Because of what I hope you and I will one day be to each other, I need it to be in that order."

Morgan nodded very slowly. "You are being smarter... Longer-term in this than I am. I only see your pain. I want to help NOW."

"You do. You are here. Be here, with me. Be part of my family. You are a newbie Vampire too: work on the things that are bothering you. I need you to do that. I want to you find an us at the end of that."

"What if I can never get to that place you want me to be in?" Morgan asked.

I know what place she is talking about. "It is my dearest hope you want to be in that place too. If you can never get there then you will still be in my life and part of my family." I said.

"It won't bother you?" Morgan asked, misinterpreting my apparent nonchalance.

"The opposite: It will bother me very deeply, Morgan. More than I am willing to share because that is also unfair pressure on you. It is more important that whatever happens, it be the right thing for you. You have to get there in the right way for what I want for us to work. I do not want you miserable, and right now, you would be."

"So, until I figure out this thing between us, you are not going to tell me some things. Share some things." Morgan bordered on anger again.

"Morgan, you are the single most self-controlled person I know, and therefore I know you do not share everything with ME either. This is not about 'fair is fair'. It is about hope. I hope for more. You may decide you can't go there, and go off and find a guy and marry him and have kids with him even. If you do that, then all waiting and hoping on my part and anger on your part will be for nothing. If it is, I apologize in advance."

"I am still not happy about this." Morgan said. "I am always here for you. No matter what. You don't need to worry about emotional costs to me or hang hope on a future that may never come. You are hurting now."

"I know. I guess that is exactly how much I am hoping. I hurt like I never have in my life, and I will do almost anything to excise it. There is this one thing: this one woman, that I want even more. I am gambling and I know it. I do not like to gamble. Hate it in fact. The heart wants what the heart wants."

The conversation had not ended on a satisfactory note for either of us.