So In Love

26

Over the next few days Tyler was still frustrated with himself. He kept trying to talk. Hed wait for Josh to go to work then spend the day trying to get himself to say something even if it was the simplest word that existed. He wanted to talk. He wanted to prove to his dad that he wasnt a coward. He wanted to show Josh he wasnt a pathetic peice of shit. He wanted zach to be proud of him for doing something he knew was hard.

He wanted to talk... not just for everyone else but for himself as well. He needed to prove to himself that he was stronger then his fathers abuse. He spent so much time today trying to talk but he couldnt. He put himself through multiple panic attacks, trying to force himself to do it. He was beyond frustrated with himself. He was tired and he ended up breaking down on the couch.

He leant over his lap with his hands gripping his hair, crying softly. He cried for a few minutes before the door to the apartment opened. He looked up, tears soaking his cheeks to see his brother.

Zach smiled sadly and shut the door before walking over and sitting next to Tyler on the couch.  Tyler sniffled. "I'm sorry for upsetting you the other day." Zach said staring at the coffee table. Tyler looked at him. It wasnt you're fault that I got upset.  He signed.

Zach watched Tyler's hands before sighing softly. "I dont know what you're saying." He whispered. Tears stung at Tyler's eyes again and he leant back agaisnt the couch staring up at the ceiling. Zach pursed his lips. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

Tyler looked at his brother again. His brother looked sad. He sighed and sat up, turning his whole body towards his brother. Zach looked at him. Tyler shook his head then pointed at Zach. Zach only furrowed his eyebrows. Tyler did it again but zach still looked confused. Tyler pointed at his eyes then at himself, telling zach to watch him.

He shook his head again. "No?" Zach asked. Tyler pointed at his brother again. "Me?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded and repeated the actions. "Not me?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded again and repeated it once more.

"Not me... not me... not.. me?" Zach asked. Tyler motioned for Zach to watch him again and pointed at himself. "You.." zach said. Tyler pointed at his tears. "Tears?" Zach asked. Tyler shook his head and made a motion of tears falling with his finger. "Cry?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded. And repeated the steps again before added the other ones from before.

"You cry... not me?" Zach asked. Tyler did it again. "... are you trying to say that you crying the other day wasnt my fault?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded. "Oh." Zach whispered. "Why are you crying now?" He asked.

Tyler wiped his eyes before pointing at himself. "You?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded. "You're crying because of you?" Zach asked again. Tyler nodded. "What about you?" Zach asked. Tyler shook his head then made a talking motion with his hand.

"No.. no talk?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded. Zachs face fell a bit. "You're crying because you cant talk..." he whispered. Tyler nodded again looking at his lap. "You can talk ty. No ones gonna hurt you this time I promise." Zach said. Tyler shook his head, zach wasnt understanding him fully.

He opened his mouth and tried to talk. He still couldnt. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but he was starting to get flashbacks of his father yelling at him and telling him to shut up. He closed his mouth and took a shaky breath before looking pleadingly at his brother.

Zach studied him for a moment before it clicked. "Oh.. I get it now... you cant talk." He said. Tyler nodded, looking at his lap again. It was quiet for a moment. "Well that's normal." Zach said. Tyle rlooked up at him and furrowed his eyebrows.

"You've been through something traumatic.. very traumatic and you've been conditioned to thinking that staying quiet is the only safe option. Regaining the ability to speak is gonna be hard. Its gonna take a lot of practice and stuff... if you really wanna talk again maybe we can find some sort of speech class or soemthing for you." Zach said.

Tyler shrugged. "I'll look into it if you want.. see if theres any special therapy or something for your situation... is that okay? Is that something youd want? I won't do it if you don't want me to." Zach said. Tyler thought for a minute but nodded. "Yeah?" Zach asked tyler nodded again.

Zach smiled softly. "Okay... I love you.. you know that? Whether you decide to go through with it or not.. whether you start talking or not.. you're still my brother.. I still love you." He said. Tyler smiled and nodded. I love you too.

"Maybe you can teach me some sign language cause really have no idea what you're trying to say." Zach chuckled softly. Tyler smiled again. He got up and grabbed a peice of paper and a pen.

He wrote down the letter I then did the sign for it. Zach copied. Tyler went through each letter like that until zach knew how to spell out "I love you." Then Tyler showed him the short way of signing it.

"So that means I love you?" Zach asked. Tyler nodded. I love you. Zach smiled. "I love you too." He said. Tyler smiled back before pointing at the tv and giving Zach a questioning look. Zach nodded and grabbed the tv remote before turning it on and picking out something to watch.

(I'm actually trying to learn sign language cause theres a guy that comes into the store I work at who's deaf. His names Robert and hes super sweet but no one can understand him at the store and it's always a very frustrating process for other cashiers. I understand him more then the others but I'm really trying to learn more so I can actually have a conversation with him without guessing what hes actually trying to say.)