Breaking the Fantasy (Polyfidelity)

Chapter 35 - Exploding Love

Chapter 35 - Exploding Love

(Pictured Above is the song you should listen to after the time-jump.)

Saville's POV:

Time moves so quickly that it almost feels like it's slipping in between your fingers. Days fly by, weeks fall away and soon months have passed without any real acknowledgement.

This wasn't like that.

I had felt every lonely minute. Every hour was spent either faking my part, or alone with my actions. It's like when people ask if your okay, they don't really want to know. When you do tell them, they attempt to cheer you up and nothing like that could work.

It felt like work for both Sabrina and I to go through the motions with each other. She tried to help me, cheer me up, or just talk...but... I had already hidden so much from her. There was no way for me to explain how I cared for those men, or what they represented for me.

I didn't have the effort in me to go out and make new friends. Even if I could find more people comfortable and undeterred by my celebrity, I simply didn't have it in me. All my energy went into going to work, then coming home and moping around my house.

The house was warm, but empty. It was like living in someone else's home that you were simply renting. All the furniture was bland and no unnecessary decor laid around. It didn't feel like home, nothing really felt like home anymore. This reminded me why I went to New York in the first place.

I wanted to find a place, any place that felt good, I wanted that feeling, any feeling really.

I used to be so numb, so much pain and anger had flowed through me that the only way of surviving was to shut down. It wasn't healthy, but I recovered, and now I didn't know how it started to begin with. When I laid in bed at night, in the darkness I silently wished Gil was around to beat me.

It's not that I missed him, or the fear and pain he instilled in me. It was more that his actions had caused my numbness before, and now I was suddenly a live wire. I didn't have people to speak to outside of set, and when I left for the day, my mask fell and I was left alone. I had become hallow and I loathed it with everything in me.

There were many nights, so many times that I had packed a bag and headed to the airport. I had driven half way there, and turned back. I drove halfway there and turned back, I actually ran out of gas driving half way there and back. Every time I did this though, I could only imagine the faces that would welcome me.

The idea of their beautiful, soft and caring faces turned hateful, broke me. I had done something that couldn't really be changed, as much as I wished it could be.

The last time I had driven to LAX, I sat in my car and sobbed for at least an hour. I was so frustrated, and yet nothing in me could overcome the scenes in my head. Showing up on their doorstep to realize that I wasn't welcome, or to simply not even be let in the building. The drive back to house that night was scary, images of pills and blood filled my mind.

It wasn't until late the next morning, when my new Assistant, Sherry, found me on my front porch when I finally re-entered my home. I knew if I went in alone, I would do something reckless, or fatal. I refused to give Gillian the satisfaction of people believing that I was so distraught over his death, that I only had to join him.

________

It was about 6pm when Violet had finally shown up at my house. We had an interview and a magazine shoot in Chicago the next morning, so we decided to fly the red-eye together.

"You look like shit." Vi spoke as she waited in the foyer for me to grab my things. Scowling at her, I eyed her elegant pose and meticulous image.