Come Back When You Can

Chapter 21: Little do you know

Chapter 21: Little Do You Know 

"So, are you guys together again?" Maggie asked her brother, DJ. They were driving to the mall to pay the monthly bills and then they were off to their separate ways. 

"No." He said shortly. He looked at his Maggie who was expecting for more. He shrugged. "We're okay but we're not together." 

"When are you going to get back together?" 

"I thought you didn't like her anymore." 

It was Maggie's turn to shrug. She sat up straight then looked at her brother. 

"But she makes you happy so who am I to take that happiness away from you?" 

"I'm like-- We're like-- Well--" 

"You're being a fucking coward, aren't you?" 

"Language, Margaret!" Maggie only chuckled at her brother who was busy concentrating on finding a parking space. "And I'm not a coward. I prefer the word, cautious." 

"I don't get it. When she left you, all you wanted was for her to come back. And she did, it took a little while but she did, and now you have doubts." 

"Maggie, I don't have doubts." He said, finally pulling over and closing in the ignition. "I love her. I do, love her. But I just want to be cautious and all that. I want to take things slowly but surely. I don't want to mess this up again."  

"What about her? What if she gets tired of waiting for you?" 

"Then, I guess that's it." He said. Then he pointed to the door, dismissing the conversation. Maggie got out of the car and waved goodbye to her brother. DJ was contemplating on whether he should visit Kathryn since it's a weekend or go visit Zharm since he hasn't done that in a while. He chose the latter. It wasn't as if he was having problems or issues but something was definitely bothering him and he needed his best friend. He bought her flowers and two cans of beer. He knew a lot of people who used to share a drink with their dead friends and relatives but later on stopped doing it because it was getting weird. But not for DJ.  

After almost getting pulled over thrice for over speeding, he was finally in the cemetery. He placed the flowers on top of the grave, opened both cans of beer and placed the one beside the grave. He sat on the other side and took a sip of his beer before looking at Zharm's grave. 

"I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while. I've been doing a lot of stuff for the airlines and my life. You forgive me right?" He asked, taking another swig and wiping his mouth. "The other day, Kathryn was talking about kids and it made me feel uncomfortable. And lately, everyone's asking me if we're back together. Like, we're not. And I want to but can't everyone just take a chill pill? I'm really, really tired." DJ's voice cracked. He didn't mind. Whenever he was with Zharm, he let out whatever feeling he was having. He knew Zharm wouldn't judge. He pulled his knees closer to his chest and rocked himself like a baby. 

A lot of people don't understand the feeling of being scared. You know when you're allergic to something but you really, really like it? So every time you see a shrimp, you contemplate on eating it or not. It's either you risk getting itchy for the next 24 hours but you get to eat the shrimp or you completely avoid it and just watch everyone have it. It's what it feels with Kathryn. It's not that DJ was being stubborn nor was he making Kathryn wait on purpose. He feels like he needs a lot of fixing and he needs Kathryn there to supervise. He loves her, he really does. He wouldn't have given her 10 years of freedom if he didn't. But he needs a little more time. He's still held captive by their old memories. He's getting better but he's not there yet.